Living with the effects of PTSD!

In my last post I mentioned going to fireworks. So I wanted to do a separate post with some thoughts about that experience.

On Saturday night I decided I wanted John to go with me to the concert and fireworks. I was tired of going by myself. I asked him to go knowing full well how awful fireworks are for him. I asked him knowing that he might get a little crazy. I guess you can say I was being selfish. I was tired of giving up the things I want to do just because my husband cannot handle doing these things with me. So I convinced him it wouldn't be so bad and that he should try putting ear plugs in and then the sound wouldn't bother him so much. Ha, I think we both knew better. But he gave in because he knew I wanted him to go with me. He was willing to sacrifice his sanity for my happiness.

So we traipsed off to the concert, stayed for the fireworks, and came home. By the time we got home John was shaking uncontrollably. He could not keep his hands still. On the way home he was really quiet. I tried to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. He was afraid of coming unglued and he says that wasn't fair to me. So he just stayed quiet.

At that point I felt horrible. I was a horrible wife for even asking him to go with me. I was horrible for being so selfish. I need to be more like my husband. He was willing to sacrifice his sanity for me. But I wasn't willing to sacrifice my own wants once again for him. I have been dealing with this for many years. You would think I would be used to it and would be able to push my own desires back. But for some reason I was unable to be selfless. I could only think of what I wanted.

After the fact I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to go back to the point where I decided I wasn't letting him off the hook once again. I wanted to go back and change what I wanted. But I couldn't change it. We could only try to get past it. We could only do things to mitigate, not prevent, the damage. So when it was time for fireworks again on Monday night, I tagged along with my friend and her family. It turns out her husband doesn't like fireworks. So it was good. John stayed home, did what he could to drown out the booming of the fireworks that were being set off only about two blocks away.

This experience raises a lot of questions for me though. The biggest question, are you ready? Fireworks are supposed to be patriotic. Most fireworks shows I attend are choreographed to patriotic music. You know, songs like "God Bless the USA," "America the Beautiful," and "Coming to America." But why do we do this? Why do we use something to demonstrate our patriotic spirit when the people who have protected our freedoms here cannot enjoy the celebration? Why do we do this to our military men and women? Is there a better way to celebrate, to demonstrate our patriotic spirit? I don't know. As I've said before, I love fireworks. I don't know why I love them. I am amazed at the beauty the fireworks create. But at what cost do we use fireworks to celebrate?