The trip started out as a normal outing for my family. Emma couldn't find her shoes until we were mostly out the door threatening to leave her at home if she didn't get shoes on. Timothy and Emma were fighting the whole 2 minutes it took to get to the library. Amber was throwing a fit because I threatened to turn around and go home without getting their free books. So already this was not looking good.
We finally got into the library. Timothy and Micah were running all over. I had to yell at Micah to come back. The librarian said I should use my library voice. Oops, sorry. I couldn't just leave in the middle of what I was doing. Ugh. I sent Amber to get Micah, he wouldn't come. I told her to just drag him to me because she's not strong enough to pick him up. Another librarian reprimanded her for being mean to her brother (doing what she was told!) and told her to leave him alone. Ugh.
For the summer, the library has had a program where children can read off their fines, $1 for every 30 minutes of reading. I had two children to set up with that and the librarian was very slow. Ugh.
Then those two children needed to stay in the library to read. And whose bright idea was this? Oh right, mine! So Timothy had found an open computer and thought he could play. As I walked past him with the baby in my arms and Micah in tow, I motioned to him and said "Come on! You need to come read now!"
As a quick aside (hopefully), Timothy has ADHD. We have been unable to use the indirect, passive requests with him. He does not respond to "Will you please come sit with me and we will read." We have to be direct. "Come here and read now." So I know it sounds mean, but we have been working with a psychologist to help him and our family. This is what she has told us to do with him.
Back to my story. Did I mention that I took all five children with me, by myself? And that two of my children have ADHD? Oh I am such a glutton for punishment sometimes. So I have to constantly remind Timothy he is supposed to be reading and that he is being noisy. I also have to tell Micah to stay with me because I don't want him running around anymore. I told him to sit by me. Well, a 3 yo does not sit very well. I had to tell Amber to find a book, sit, and read. Then I had to tell Timothy to leave Amber alone so she could read. Oh, did I mention that Timothy needed redirection constantly? He has an inabililty to sit quietly and only read for 1/2 hour. This is part of his ADHD. So yes, to a casual obsesrver, maybe I was a little harsh.
Then they wanted to get movies. Movies from the library are the reason we have fines. Plus my children do not put the movies away and they get left on the floor. I hate getting movies from the library. I was not willing to do that. So I said no. Then Timothy asked again. I said no again. Not even five minutes later Timothy was asking for a movie again. I was getting a little exasperated with his requests. I had just said no. If he would just listen to me. Oh how I wish sometimes!
But when another dad, who only had one young child in his arms, came to me and told me to stop yelling at my kids, I told him he needed to mind his own business. I was already flustered because the librarian had said I was too loud, but then another parent criticized what I was doing, I wanted to deck him. It is a good thing my children were right there. I don't want them to see me fight so I held back. But this guy deserved a good ol' smack upside the head! I'm generally not a violent person. I can't even really describe the feeling I had at that moment.
In the course of venting on Facebook one of my friends reminded me of a story that I'm going to share here.
One stormy winter day, President Spencer W. Kimball was at an airport in Chicago. A bad storm had caused thousands of people to be stranded or delayed. One young woman was standing in a long line. She was going to have a baby soon, and she was sick and very, very tired.
Other people who saw her only made nasty remarks, but President Kimball smiled at her and said, “You need help. Let me help you.”
He picked up the little girl, soothed her, and gave her a piece of gum. He talked to the people in line about how the woman needed help. He talked to the ticket agent, too, and the woman was soon checked in. He found a place where she and her little girl could be comfortable until they could get on their plane. Then he quietly left.
(Friend, September 1999, What Would the Prophets Want Me to Do?) I think if there are more people who are willing to help rather than make nasty remarks, life would be so much easier for all involved. Why did this man have to criticize rather than help?
Let me tell another experience. I was sitting in church on Sunday. I was ill prepared and we arrived at church realizing we did not have sufficient activities to keep children quiet. So Timothy started getting a little out of control and loud. The sweet woman in front of us who only has one older boy at home right now, pulled out a metal container with magnets and handed it to Timothy. This was such a godsend. He loved it. She even drew him a picture on a 3 X 5 card just to tell him how special he is. After Sacrament meeting she apologized saying she should have asked me first if he could have the toys. I told her no, I was just grateful somebody had the guts to help when it was obvious we needed some extra help.
Now, how hard was that? This lady only had to hand a toy back to my child who obviously needed something different. Such a simple task, but it meant so much to me at that point. It really does not take much to help others and to be kind. Why do people find it necessary to be so mean and judgmental? After all, this man did not know our history, did not know the difficulty I had in just getting to the library. He did not know how frustrated I was that despite my repeated reminders on the way to the library about not running around and being quiet, my children still found it necessary to run around and be loud.
I got home from the library almost in tears. This is happening far too often. In trying to be a good mom; giving my kids opportunities to learn, grow, etc.; and get them out of the house I get criticized far too often. I recognize that I am lacking in patience. I recognize that I am far from perfect. I also recognize that I have some difficult children. But, despite the difficulties we face, we have had many good days. We have had quite a few outings where things go well. Today the cards were just not in my favor.
I know I have been judgmental. But I have never told anybody that they are not a good enough parent and that they are doing it wrong. I have offered to help. I have tried to be there when others need me. All I ever ask of others is to be more kind and understanding instead of knocking others down. Wouldn't life be so much better if we didn't have to knock others down to make our inferior selves feel better?
