ADHD and my child

Nothing has ever made me want to be a recluse more than having a child with ADHD.   I hate that feeling that every eye is turned on me.  At times it is embarrassing that others have to see the meltdowns over which shopping cart to get, or having the wrong color crayon at the restaurant because he dropped the blue one and only the orange one is available.  Most times these meltdowns include full on screaming, crying, kicking, and flailing around.  Yep, embarrassing.

Somehow this word just does not fully encompass the feelings when I become the subject of others demeaning stares.   I loathe being the subject of negative attention.   Sometimes I find myself so frustrated that I just want to give up.  Unfortunately for me I cannot completely avoid going out in public with my child.  I have things that need to get done, and after 7 p.m. just is not feasible all the time.    

The problem is I wasn't ready.   When the psychologist started mentioning ADHD I first thought this could not be my child, that she had it wrong.  But a lot of the signs are there.  I can't ignore what I see on a daily basis.  We agreed to try behavior modification therapy because, frankly, the idea of medicating my child at such a young age is very frightening to me.   Plus there is still a part of me that wants to believe he will grow out of some of this.  It has to be his age, right?  But I am still very conflicted about this issue.  But, in saying this, I don't need people to tell me I've made the wrong decision.  I'm already doing enough of that myself.  

Behavior modification is a lot of work and it requires a change in how my family functions.  We need to have more structure at home, and provide more activities for this child as his attention span is very, very low.   I struggle with this.  I have to be more vigilant and consistent with everything; mealtime, bedtime, wake up time, etc.  This also requires everybody in the family to be on the same page and willing to help out with this.  

Behavior modification also requires a lot more attention given to one child, making the other children feel as if they are being neglected.  If my attention is diverted elsewhere such as to help the girls with homework, disaster awaits.  Many times we have found a runaway child.  I think my neighbors get tired of helping me look for my child yet there are those few that are always looking out for my children and drop everything else to help me look for my child.  I am grateful for those neighbors.

In addition to behavior modification, the psychologist said he would need speech therapy.  She said it was common in children with ADHD.  Their minds are going so fast that they can't stop long enough to grasp the full intricacies of language.  I had known that the school district provides speech therapy but frankly, I was a little hesitant to go that route.  I had heard stories of parents trying to get their children into speech therapy only to be denied time and time again.  I did not feel my son's speech was that bad.   Wasn't his delay just due to age?  

During this whole process I had also been reading multiple things about ADHD and how to help a child with ADHD.   I looked online, borrowed books from the library, talked with others who have children with ADHD.   I still could not accept the fact that we had a correct diagnosis.  But the indicators of  ADHD were still there.  I found myself not understanding what was happening.  I did what I thought was right for my child, but then I second guessed my decisions.

This is what happened when I had him tested and considered for special education through the school district.  At first I thought it was just for speech.  Then we went to the appointment.  They evaluated his speech, and his behavior.  They qualified him for special education right away.  Usually they wait to give a decision, but the evaluator said she was confident he would benefit from services.   Okay, so he can get speech therapy then.   I was thinking he would just go in a couple of times a week, meet with a speech therapist and we would go our merry way until he started kindergarten next year.

Oh no.   It was not to be that simple.  He would have to attend the district preschool and we would have to develop an IEP (Individual Education Plan).  Ummm, okay, but we already enrolled him in a private preschool that seems to fit his needs better than anything else we have found.  He was starting to thrive in that preschool.  To take him out now was very upsetting to me.  One of the biggest things I have read about ADHD is that change is difficult.  I did not want to deal with the increased tantrums and misbehavior because of something I felt I could control.

At that point I did not want to create the IEP.  I wanted to just keep going with the things we had set up already.   Were we doing the right thing for my child?  After much prayer and consideration, John and I decided that we would put him in the district preschool, but we would only do two days instead of the four they recommended.  I know it was frustrating to the special education administrators, but I just did not feel the district preschool was the right answer for my child.

So here I sit, still wondering if this is the right solution, the right avenue we should be pursuing.  There are still so many questions that I don't quite know how to ask.  How do I adequately present my feelings to somebody who is so clinical and scientific?  A lot of times I feel like I'm just complaining and it really isn't that bad.

I wonder if it was the right thing to take him in to the psychologist and to answer the questionnaire the way I did.   Were my answers just the result of being overly frustrated with an active child? I don't really know.  But at this point, I have to learn to accept what is happening and roll with the punches, so to speak.

Things I've learned

After 7 years of serving in the Young Women program at church, four of those serving as the president, I was released last month.  I knew it was going to happen yet there is no amount of preparation for the loss I feel.  The young women have been an extension of my family for so long.  My own children have grown up with my summers being full of youth conference and girls camp.  This is all they have known.   But at the same time I am excited for a change, for a new adventure, wherever that takes me now.

A  member of the Bishopric asked me what I have learned in the years I've been Young Women President.  At the time, being put on the spot and all, I couldn't come up with anything profound.   The question has been on my mind since then.   Humor me a bit as I try to answer this question now.  This list will not be all inclusive as there are many things that I cannot articulate effectively here.

Things I have learned during my sojourn in Young Women

1.  Sometimes plans A,B, and C don't work out.  I had better have a plan X,Y, and Z.   The best laid plans are often derailed by equipment failures, lack of attendance, forgetful minds, and the list goes on.  But the success of an activity or program involving the youth can never rest on only one plan.  

2.  What I think are my goals and plans are not always consistent with the goals and plans of the Lord.  So many times I have tried to do an activity that didn't work out.  A lot of times we started an activity only to change direction midway through.  I often had ideas of what to do, but more often, those ideas did not work.   Sometimes I found that a major program did not fall into place until the week, or even the day before the program.  

3.  I butt heads with other people a lot.  When others try to take over and override my authority, that does not sit well with me.  When I say something, I mean it and I do not like when others ignore what I have said and do it their way anyway.  

4.  I do not enjoy meetings.

5.  I have a love for the Young Women that I never imagined I could have.

6.  The Young Women are amazing, and such great examples to me.

7.  I had to be strong in my convictions so I could be an example to the Young Women.  

8.  I probably shouldn't admit I had favorites, but my favorites were always the most unlikely of the bunch.  There were some I just felt much more connected to.

9.  It is okay to go about doing good without being in the spotlight.

10.  It is okay to put aside my personal desires and follow the counsel of others.   There are so many times I felt that what I wanted to happen was so important.  What I wanted was more important than what others wanted.  Ultimately we had similar goals, but the means to get to the end result was different.  The fight for my way was not worth it.  Every person was important to the success of Young Women.  

11.  My own testimony is stronger and I am more secure in my beliefs.

12.  I have an amazing husband who has supported me in all my craziness.  He watches the kids so I can attend activities.  He takes care of multiple things at home so I can be gone often.  I've often said that a calling in the Young Women is a full time job.  At times I feel I was away from home and my family more often than not.  But my husband is a trooper.   He has been there through it all, even when it wasn't the easy thing to do.  

13.  I can do hard things.  

14.  I am a daughter of God.  He loves me, and always will.  Okay, so I knew this already, but there is something about being a leader and watching the Young Women struggle and keep going that cements this in my heart.  

15.  The tender mercies of the Lord abound each and every day.   I just have to be aware enough to recognize these tender mercies.   The Lord has sustained me each and every day, even when I wonder how I can keep going.

16.  I don't have to be perfect to be an effective leader.

17.  I may never know the impact I have had on any of these young women.  I may never know if anything I said or did will stick with them.  But that is okay.  I'm at peace with that.  

Small steps!

Yay for small steps!  Remember a couple of posts back where I talked about teaching my son sign language?  I was hopeful he would start talking then.  It appears my hopes were not in vain.   He has started saying mama, dada, baby, and me on a regular basis.  He also says the girls' names and loves to walk around saying their names over and over.  He still uses sign language when he can't figure out how to say the word he needs, but I am so very grateful.  We often find him saying mama at the same time he is signing, just as he has seen us do. 
He has started copying words we say.  He will copy one word at a time.  The girls get a kick out of trying to get him to say "I love you."  He has such a sense of humor that he will say "I love me!"  He knows he is being funny and we all love it.   Now that he is willing to try he is learning fast and his speech is developing quickly.  

False sense of security

You know those vehicles that have back up sensors that tell you when you are going to run into something?  Yeah, I have one of those.  I think those back up sensors have lulled me into a false sense of security.   You see, these sensors are only work when the object is is direct line with the sensor and is tall enough for the sensor to detect.
So today, my son left his brother's scooter behind the Tahoe.  But the handle was resting on the side of the vehicle.  I failed to check behind the Tahoe because I only had one child at home and I had followed him around the front of the vehicle so I would know where he is.   Okay, fast forward.  Child buckled in, check.  Garage door open, check.  I start to back up, until I feel the Tahoe get stuck on something and hear a sickening crack!  Ugh.  I knew it was bound to happen.  You guessed it, the scooter is no longer in a workable condition.  I threw it out of my way and went on my merry way to pick up my other son from preschool.   He still hasn't figured out his scooter is broken and I'm thinking I don't want to tell him.   I'm not ready for the breakdown that is sure to happen as he is in a very good mood right now. 
So, in light of this happening, I realized that these back up sensors have become a bad thing in a way.  I find that, like today, I do not always check behind me, especially when backing out of my own garage/driveway.  After all, the sensors should warn me if I'm going to run into a child, right?  Maybe not.  What if there is a child sitting in my driveway, or in my garage, right behind my vehice?  What if a child is not tall enough to be detected by the sensors?   It is no wonder so many children get run over in their own driveways.  Not only are children careless around vehicles, there are parents, me included, that have been lulled into a false sense of security.  With all of the etra security measures included with vehicles nowadays, more people, such as me, are less vigilant about checking the perimeter and  trusting that the vehicle safety equipment will do our job for us. 
This is a reminder to me that I need to be more vigilant.  I usually know where my own children are, but I do not want the fate of my son's scooter to inadvertently happen to a child.