POstpartum depression?

I really thought I was doing okay.   After six weeks I was feeling good.  Yes, I was exhausted but I chalked that up to a baby that wasn't sleeping very well, hence no sleep for me.   I felt I was doing better than I had for quite some time and better than I had after most of my babies.   I wasn't worried about how I felt.  At 6 weeks postpartum I really did feel great.

Now, nearly 6 months later my baby sleeps through the night and I should be feeling better as I get more sleep.   What, there is a better?  Oh, this thing called postpartum depression can affect a person even after five kids? Shouldn't I be able to handle this better by now?  

I don't have a problem bonding with my baby or with wanting to hurt myself or the baby.   But I do have fears that something will happen to the baby or one of the other children.   Just today my kids were playing in the front yard.  I thought "I need to get them inside.  Otherwise they will get under the neighbors cars and get squished when the neighbors don't know the kids are under there."   Pretty rational, right?   

Or there are the nights I sit in bed worrying that the baby is suffocating in the blanket he was tightly swaddled in. Really?   I'm losing sleep over this a lot.   

So as I started looking into it more I am reminded there is much more than just thoughts of hurting myself or the baby..   But even now I don't feel as if all the symptoms fully describe me, but I found that many do.  Warning: if you don't want to know details, stop reading here. 

Here's me after six months in relation to Postpartum Depression.

Loss of appetite-  Yes and no.   I have an appetite, just for the wrong kind of foods.   Honestly I could live off fast food at this moment because I don't have to cook  it, I don't have to plan it, and I don't have to think much about it.  Some days I cook dinner knowing the kids need to eat.   Yet I sit and look at it and I am disgusted with what I cook.   I don't know how my kids can eat something so gross.   Yet it something as simple as spaghetti or enchiladas.

Insomnia-  Most nights I am so exhausted yet I lay there wondering when I will get to a deep sleep.   I toss and turn for a good portion of the night.  I find my mind won't shut down. I have so many things keeping me awake.    Most nights I end up on the couch so as to not keep my husband up all night long.   I have taken to talking in my so called insomnia state.  I can't say talking in my sleep because I am well aware I am talking to myself.   Usually I will fall asleep around three or four in the morning only to be woken up at 5ish, either by the baby or by the alarm.

Intense irritability and anger- I feel very irritable.   The smallest things set me off.   I feel like I am an angry person lately.   It isn't that I want to be angry, I don't even really know why I'm angry.   I can be just fine one moment.  Then all of a sudden a switch is thrown in my head and I am so angry,    It is truly the simple things that can set me off.  Somebody didn't do the dishes, a toy was left out, somebody didn't turn off a light. There is no moderate anger here.   I feel so angry that I want to cry because I'm so angry.    I know, it really doesn't make sense to me either.

Overwhelming fatigue-  Yes, this is me to a T.   I am so tired all the time.  I can get a lot of sleep and still be dragging my feet the next day.  I do not have the energy I need.  I feel like I need to nap all the time.  I have a difficult time getting things done because I am so tired all the time.  

Loss of interest in sex-  I don't know if it is a loss of interest, but I am so incredibly exhausted I just can't think about it.    I am exhausted at night, exhausted in the morning, exhausted in the middle of the day.  I feel so exhausted that I don't have any more to give.   I am falling into bed at night not wanting to move.   Doesn't bode well for this aspect of life.  

Lack of joy in life-  Oh goodness, where do I start with this one?   It is difficult to find joy.  I feel so out of sorts all the time.  I also feel like I am the only one trying to keep my household running smoothly.   I have a difficult time keeping up with things.  My kids started school and I am unable to keep up with their homework, especially for my kindergartner.  

Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy- I constantly feel inadequate.    I have a difficult time keeping up with and taking care of the children.  Other people say things to me and I feel very awful all the time.  There was a dad who told me off in the library.  Ugh, way to help a mom who is struggling to keep it together already.  I feel extremely guilty that I can't take care of the simple things in life.   I can't keep my house clean.   I can't keep up with laundry.   I don't always keep up with the grocery shopping either.  

Severe mood swings-  Yes, yes, and yes.   I can be laughing one moment, yelling at everybody the next moment, and crying the next.    I do not feel in control of my feelings right now.     I have intense mood swings.   And these mood swings are triggered by the simplest things.

Difficulty bonding with your baby-  I have not had a problem bonding with my baby.    

Withdrawal from family and friends-  There are times when it is difficult to get out with people.   Just the thought of trying to be pleasant is too much.    And it is difficult for me to keep a handle on everything going on with five kids that I would much rather stay in my home.   I have gone out with people, but it feels like such a chore sometimes.  Some days I just want to curl up in bed and never get out.

Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby-   No, I do not have these thoughts.   I just have irrational fears that something is going to happen to one of the children.   I fear that my children aren't making it to school, but I feel powerless to check up on them.  I fear I will lose my children in the store.

Add to all this two children who have ADHD.   And add a husband who still struggles with PTSD.   Then you will know that most days I really struggle to keep everything together.    This is part of the reason I have gotten locked out of my house twice in the past week.   This is also the reason that my ten year old daughter was getting breakfast for everybody during the summer.   

So, maybe I need help.    I feel a little silly talking to someone,  my problems seem so silly and petty.   Please, I just ask that people be patient with me.  I recognize that I am struggling.  I do not need to be reminded at every turn.  i just need to know there are people who support me and will help me through this.  I hate feeling this way and I hate that I feel powerless to change things.

It really would have been easier to just help out!

I know I've already been the rounds on this issue, but I need another outlet.  So here you go. 

The trip started out as a normal outing for my family.   Emma couldn't find her shoes until we were mostly out the door threatening to leave her at home if she didn't get shoes on.   Timothy and Emma were fighting the whole 2 minutes it took to get to the library.   Amber was throwing a fit because I threatened to turn around and go home without getting their free books.   So already this was not looking good.  

We finally got into the library.   Timothy and Micah were running all over.  I had to yell at Micah to come back.  The librarian said I should use my library voice.    Oops, sorry.  I couldn't just leave in the middle of what I was doing.   Ugh.  I sent Amber to get Micah, he wouldn't come.  I told her to just drag him to me because she's not strong enough to pick him up.  Another librarian reprimanded her for being mean to her brother (doing what she was told!) and told her to leave him alone.   Ugh.  

For the summer, the library has had a program where children can read off their fines, $1 for every 30 minutes of reading.  I had two children to set up with that and the librarian was very slow.  Ugh. 

Then those two children needed to stay in the library to read.  And whose bright idea was this?  Oh right, mine!  So Timothy had found an open computer and thought he could play.  As I walked past him with the baby in my arms and Micah in tow, I motioned to him and said "Come on! You need to come read now!" 

As a quick aside (hopefully), Timothy has ADHD.  We have been unable to use the indirect, passive requests with him.   He does not respond to "Will you please come sit with me and we will read."   We have to be direct.  "Come here and read now."  So I know it sounds mean, but we have been working with a psychologist to help him and our family.  This is what she has told us to do with him.

Back to my story.   Did I mention that I took all five children with me, by myself?   And that two of my children have ADHD?  Oh I am such a glutton for punishment sometimes.  So I have to constantly remind Timothy he is supposed to be reading and that he is being noisy.   I also have to tell Micah to stay with me because I don't want him running around anymore.   I told him to sit by me.   Well, a 3 yo does not sit very well.   I had to tell Amber to find a book, sit, and read.   Then I had to tell Timothy to leave Amber alone so she could read.  Oh, did I mention that Timothy needed redirection constantly?   He has an inabililty to sit quietly and only read for 1/2 hour.    This is part of his ADHD.   So yes, to a casual obsesrver, maybe I was a little harsh.

Then they wanted to get movies.  Movies from the library are the reason we have fines.  Plus my children do not put the movies away and they get left on the floor.   I hate getting movies from the library.  I was not willing to do that.   So I said no.   Then Timothy asked again.  I said no again.  Not even five minutes later Timothy was asking for a movie again.  I was getting a little exasperated with his requests.  I had just said no.   If he would just listen to me.  Oh how I wish sometimes!

But when another dad, who only had one young child in his arms, came to me and told me to stop yelling at my kids, I told him he needed to mind his own business.  I was already flustered because the librarian had said I was too loud, but then another parent criticized what I was doing, I wanted to deck him.   It is a good thing my children were right there.  I don't want them to see me fight so I held back.   But this guy deserved a good ol' smack upside the head!   I'm generally not a violent person.  I can't even really describe the feeling I had at that moment. 

In the course of venting on Facebook one of my friends reminded me of a story that I'm going to share here.  

One stormy winter day, President Spencer W. Kimball was at an airport in Chicago. A bad storm had caused thousands of people to be stranded or delayed. One young woman was standing in a long line. She was going to have a baby soon, and she was sick and very, very tired.

 

She had a two-year-old child, who was sitting on the dirty floor. Because her doctor had warned her that she must not bend over and pick up anything heavy, all the woman could do as the line slowly moved forward was push her crying, hungry child with her foot.

Other people who saw her only made nasty remarks, but President Kimball smiled at her and said, “You need help. Let me help you.”

He picked up the little girl, soothed her, and gave her a piece of gum. He talked to the people in line about how the woman needed help. He talked to the ticket agent, too, and the woman was soon checked in. He found a place where she and her little girl could be comfortable until they could get on their plane. Then he quietly left.
(Friend, September 1999, What Would the Prophets Want Me to Do?) I think if there are more people who are willing to help rather than make nasty remarks, life would be so much easier for all involved.   Why did this man have to criticize rather than help?  

Let me tell another experience.   I was sitting in church on Sunday.   I was ill prepared and we arrived at church realizing we did not have sufficient activities to keep children quiet.   So Timothy started getting a little out of control and loud.   The sweet woman in front of us who only has one older boy at home right now, pulled out a metal container with magnets and handed it to Timothy.   This was such a godsend.   He loved it.   She even drew him a picture on a 3 X 5 card just to tell him how special he is.  After Sacrament meeting she apologized saying she should have asked me first if he could have the toys.   I told her no, I was just grateful somebody had the guts to help when it was obvious we needed some extra help.  

Now, how hard was that?   This lady only had to hand a toy back to my child who obviously needed something different.  Such a simple task, but it meant so much to me at that point.  It really does not take much to help others and to be kind.   Why do people find it necessary to be so mean and judgmental?   After all, this man did not know our history, did not know the difficulty I had in just getting to the library.   He did not know how frustrated I was that despite my repeated reminders on the way to the library about not running around and being quiet, my children still found it necessary to run around and be loud.  

I got home from the library almost in tears.  This is happening far too often.  In trying to be a good mom; giving my kids opportunities to learn, grow, etc.; and get them out of the house I get criticized far too often.  I recognize that I am lacking in patience.   I recognize that I am far from perfect.   I also recognize that I have some difficult children.   But, despite the difficulties we face, we have had many good days.  We have had quite a few outings where things go well.  Today the cards were just not in my favor.  

I know I have been judgmental.   But I have never told anybody that they are not a good enough parent and that they are doing it wrong.  I have offered to help.   I have tried to be there when others need me.   All I ever ask of others is to be more kind and understanding instead of knocking others down.   Wouldn't life be so much better if we didn't have to knock others down to make our inferior selves feel better?

Milestones

We have reached some milestones in my house this past week.  So bear with me as I share.  I am well aware these will not be exciting to all.

1.  Amber learned to ride her bike.  It only took her about 10 minutes of help from Grandpa and she was off on her own!
2.  Donovan is sitting up by himself, but doesn't like it.
3.  Timothy cheerfully cleaned his room after choosing Bug Juice as his reward.
4.  Amber cleaned her room in record time.  She even vacuumed.
5.  Emma cleaned her room.   Anybody who knows Emma will know what a miracle this is!
6.  I have had more days this week without a migraine than I have had for about 6 months.  I think I may be on the up and up with these silly things.
7.  Micah woke up dry this morning.   Maybe potty training will get a little easier.  
8.   Donovan is in his own room now and is sleeping at least 8 hours a night.
9.  It is quiet in my house right now.  The girls are gone for a few hours. Timothy is quietly playing a game on my phone and Micah is watching Sesame Street.   There is no fighting, whining, or screaming.   Wahoo.
10. Did I mention Amber can now ride her bike?

Okay, there's my top ten list.  So many things have happened, but it seems so inconsequential at the moment.

Eye of the Tiger

It has been 8 1/2 years since my mom passed away.   While the excruciating pain has subsided, there are still moments where I miss her tremendously.   Most of the time I find I miss her in the little things.  Sometimes the big things, like when my children are born or when I am at wits end with my children and I need her wisdom and calming influence to help me get through a difficult patch.   

Just the other day I found that small moment where I missed her so much that my heart hurt.   I was in the car with my children for just over an hour.   About halfway through the drive I changed the radio station and heard the beginning chords of "Eye of the Tiger."   I first thought it was the end refrains, but was pleasantly surprised when it continued.  I had not heard this song for a very long time.   All of a sudden I was transported back in time.   

You see, my mom had this huge record player.  She would put the records on often when I was young.   The one I always remember her putting on was "Eye of the Tiger."   It seems she would listen to it at least once a day.   Okay, maybe not that much, but it was often.  Sometimes she would place the needle in the spot for that particular song.   Other times she would just let the entire record play.   But, without fail she would crank up the volume when Eye of the Tiger came on.  I think we all learned the words to this song at an early age. This was one of her favorite songs when I was growing up.   

So as I listened to the beginning chords of this song in the car, with all of my kiddos, guess what I did?  Yep, I cranked it up as loud as I could handle in the confines of my vehicle and had myself a trip down memory lane.   And then I found myself on the verge of tears.   It has been 8 1/2 years and I don't feel the stabbing pain anymore.   I just have these moments where I miss her so terribly that I cry.   8 1/2 years does not erase the intense longing to share my life with her.   

Life has changed so much.   We have added more  people to the family.  Some of the changes have required a large adjustment period and 8 years later there are some who still are unsure of the family dynamics as they are.   But the one thing I do know is that my mom is still very much a part of me.  I feel her close.   Sometimes I am sure she is there when I don't think I have the strength to go on.  

What I do know is that I am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families.   I am grateful for the small moments, even if I find myself on the verge of tears, that remind me of the wonderful person I call mom.

Difficult children

I recently read a blog post about difficult children.   Difficult children are those that are intense and can be very frustrating.   Yes, I have difficult children.   But after reading this post, I started to feel bad.  You see I have labeled my difficult children.   I did not set out to label them.  Anybody who knows me well knows how much I have struggled with this. I realized I was not able to help my children and I sought help.

I started trying behavior modification.  But this required me to be on top of things all the time.   Anybody who knows me knows I struggle immensely with this.  A schedule?   Yes, we have one.  Get up, get dressed, eat breakfast.   And on it goes.  I cried in the psychologist's office when I had to admit that what I was doing was not enough.  I felt like a failure.

But today I do not need to feel bad about the choices I have made.   It isn't just that my children are intense. Things changed drastically for me when it became a safety issue, when my children were unable to determine for themselves that their actions may cause serious harm.  It wasn't until after my son cut live electrical wires burning the wires to the plug coming out unscathed himself that I realized what we were doing was not sufficient.   Yes, in a way things had gotten better.   But there were still days we struggled just to get dressed.

The truth is I tried to change myself.  I tried to change how I do things.   The problem is I was getting much more frustrated because it wasn't me.   It was becoming very difficult to live a life that was so different and much more regimented than I am.   I had to remember a schedule.  I had to live life on a schedule every minute of every day.   We had down time, but even that time had to be scheduled into our day.
It worked- for maybe two days.  I had a difficult time sticking to a strict regimen.  We have a schedule, but it is not very strict.  We have breakfast before 10 a.m. in the summer, chores, play time, sometimes we even go places.   School days we have breakfast by 8 a.m. and then the kids get out the door to school.  Some days we don't do anything at home while the kids are at school.  Other days we will go grocery shopping, out to lunch, or to the park.   But even then I find I cannot plan on doing much.

My health does not allow me to plan too much in advance.  It is easier to decide in the morning what I can do rather than planning in advance.   My health has not allowed me to plan.  If I do things on the fly then we live with less disappointment.  When I feel well we can take an impromptu trip somewhere.   Yet a lot of days we still sit at home watching cartoons all day because my head does not cooperate.

We have been able to get more help once I admitted to myself that what I had to offer was not enough.  Yes, a couple of my children have been labeled, but it allows me to get the help I so desperately need.

Summer Fun

I had so many plans for the summer.  We were going to have so much fun.   But then I looked at the calendar and realized summer is almost over.  The kids will be back in school very soon.  I started to lament the fact that we have not done much.    But then I started looking at pictures and realized we have had a very full and fun summer.

Here's a quick, maybe long, recap of our summer so far.

June-    John's parents and nephews came into town for a couple of days.   That was a lot of fun.  I loved having them here.    They are so fun and my kids absolutely love them.   The time passed too quickly.   It seemed they had just gotten here and they were already leaving.   But it was so good to have them here.    We went to temple square, had a picnic dinner in the mountains, and had lots of relaxing time!  

At the end of June was Taylorsville Dayzz where we celebrate becoming a city.    Our city has been incorporated as a city for 17 years now and the celebrations just keep getting better.   There was a carnival, a parade, and fireworks.    I chose to skip the fireworks this year.    The girls dressed up as pioneers and walked in the parade with the sons of utah pioneers.    They were such cute pioneers.   They had so much fun in the parade.   John and I took the boys and headed off to the parade with Aunt Chris and Maegen.  It was so fun.   I love a good parade.   The boys did so well.   They stayed with me and did not complain when it got really hot.

July- At the beginning of July Amber went to Mill Hollow for three days.    Mill Hollow is a camp run by the school district.   She went with a bunch of friends from school.   Her best friend, Lara, went at the same time.    Amber was so glad to have her best friend there.    She had a lot of fun.   I had a hard time.  It was exciting to let her go, but not having her home to help out was hard.    I think I cried when she came home.

Mid July Amber was able to go to girl scout camp.   Again she was gone for three days.  I was better prepared this time, but it was still hard to have her gone.  She helps out so much at home.  I have decided she is never allowed to go away again!    She is growing up way too fast.   She is an amazing young lady!

We spent July 4th at the Dinosaur Museum at Thanksgiving Point with Steven and Liza.   It was so nice to be there without the huge crowds.  I don't think I have ever been there where we actually had room to move, sit, etc.   My kids absolutely loved it.  They keep asking to go back.  We have a full year we can go for free. It is so awesome that Amber won the photo contest and got a family pass as the prize.

Jeff and Cori adopted a baby about 6 months ago.   However, in Utah there is a six month waiting period for the adoption to be finalized.    So, the adoption was finalized this month and they were able to take the baby to the temple and have her sealed to them and then to have the baby blessing where she was given the name she will be known by on the records of the church.     All of my siblings were in town for this special time.   It was so good to see everyone.   I loved hanging out with all of my siblings and their kids.   One of the boys is the same age as Timothy and the cutest little boy.    I loved his dinosaur antics.    Every picture we took he wanted to be a T Rex.    He made me laugh which was a good thing.

July 24th was Pioneer Day which meant another parade.   My girls spent the night with my dad and Marilee. Early in the morning they trooped off to the parade route to meet the rest of the group walking in the parade. I packed up the boys and took them to the parade myself.   Because the Federal government doesn't close for State holidays, John had to work.   I was a little nervous about taking the boys myself, but it turned out well.  We met up with Jaime and her family.   It was pretty awesome!

Later on we met Jeff and Cori at the park for dinner.   It turns out there was a carnival at the park we met at, but it was still fun.   My kids love the park.  But, the biggest sign to me that Amber is growing up is that the little kid games and playground equipment at the park are no longer sufficient to fully capture her interest. She loves to sit and hang out with the adults.    Ah man, my little girl is growing up way too fast!  

July 25th was the VA's day at the Bee's baseball game.   Amber didn't want to go.   So she had Sierra come over and spend the night.  We took Emma, Timothy, and Donovan to the game.  John had gotten tickets for the sky box.  It was so awesome to have such posh accommodations for the baseball game!  I think Emma and Timothy got bored but it helped that we were in the box with lots of people.   They got to meet the Bee mascot.

July 29th was the neighborhood icecream social and water fight.    It is so fun to get together with our neighbors and just hang out in an informal setting.   We can all let our hair down, so to speak, and just have fun.   I look forward to this every year.  It is such a fun thing to do.

So here we are at today.    This morning I was getting kinda sad because we had not done much of what I had planned for the summer.    But I look back and realize, we have done a lot.   We have had such a full summer so far.   But it hasn't been so full that we haven't had time to relax for a few days.    I am so grateful for all we've been able to do so far.   And it seems my migraines are on the outs for a moment.   I have been able to enjoy most of the summer activities without the excruciating pain!    Wahoo.  

So while I had plans to do a whole lot of stuff and most of those plans have not worked out, we have still had a very full and fun summer.    We have had lots of memory making and we have lots of plans for the next three weeks.     We will welcome anybody who wants to join us on our adventures.  They really are adventures with these children of mine.   I'm not really sure what we will do in the next few weeks,  but it will be fun!

Overflowing with happiness

I am overflowing with happiness right now.   So many good things have happened in the past little while.   My family has really been blessed with the Lord's tender mercies.  

We have been extremely busy the past couple of weeks.  It seems the end of the school year is always crazy as everybody tries to fit in the last few activities before school ends and the kids go all summer crazy.

Proud mama moment-   Okay, so this isn't how I intended this post to go, but this is the direction I am taking it now.  :-)   Amber entered a photography contest.  She was so excited to take pictures.  We went to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point.   She started out taking pictures with my cell phone until Cori arrived with a camera.   She was totally comfortable with the camera.   She loved it.   She found things to take pictures of that I probably would have passed by. I looked through her photos and wondered how she captured such beautiful pictures and how we would ever choose which ones to enter.    I had decided I would pay the entry fee for her but that meant I was not willing to do an unlimited amount of pictures.  I decided to let her enter two pictures.  I almost forgot to email her pictures in.   It was about 11 p.m. the night of the deadline.  I was just getting into bed and I turned to John and said "Oh no, I forgot to enter Amber's pictures for her."   So John woke up Amber so she could sign the application.   We had a few hiccups in getting both pictures posted.   I guess both pictures did not post to the email correctly.   But the lady was really good to work with and allowed us to try to submit it the next day.  Then the pictures were posted on Facebook on Thanksgiving Point's website.  They forgot to post one of Amber's pictures.  So we had that minor hiccup.   I didn't exactly understand how judging was going to work, but I knew she needed to get votes on Facebook.   So I shared her pictures, my brother shared her pictures, and a few other people shared her pictures.    I was a little disappointed when one of the other pictures had 118 votes and Amber had 40 votes.  It was a good thing the pictures with the most votes then went to a panel of judges.  From there the judges decided which photograph most embodied the vision of Thanksgiving Point.   I thought judging was June 5th, but it was May 27th.  I didn't check results until June 1st.    I scrolled down to the youth category and didn't see her name.   I was disappointed.  I was just starting to tell John that I guess she didn't win at the same time I was scrolling back up.   As I scrolled back up I saw her name.    I not only saw it once, but there was her name twice.  She won the first and second place prizes in her age category.   Yay!    I was so excited.   I didn't think both pictures would win.  But there it was in black and white.
So guess what we get to do for a year?  Yep, we get to go to Thanksgiving Point for free.   One of the prizes is an annual family pass.   We get discounts to events and get into the museums and the gardens for free!   I am so excited.   We now have something to do this summer.    Yay, yay, yay! Now here's my new challenge-  Feed Amber's passion for photography without breaking the bank.   My hesitation is that she is only 10.   At the same time she has consistently shown she has talent for photography.   She is happy behind a camera.   Photography is quickly becoming the art form she prefers.

A couple of years ago Amber was really struggling with self esteem.   She was having problems with friends, she was starting to dislike school, and she was starting to think she wasn't good at anything.  She hated trying anything new because she didn't want to fail.   That fear of failure was very real.   As much as I hated seeing it in her, I understood it.  There have been many times I have been stymied by this same fear.   It seems my daughter is exactly like me in that respect.

So I tried to find things that I thought would help her self esteem.  We put her in soccer so she could learn something new, get exercise, and hopefully find it was easy enough to succeed.   For a minute it worked.  She was excited to start something new.   But then somebody made fun of her.  She got scared of the ball hitting her in the face.  Then all of sudden every little thing bothered her. She wasn't enjoying soccer.    My dad decided to implement an incentive program.  She would get money for every time she kicked the ball and for every goal she made.   She never did make a goal but she made bank on kicking the ball.  Still she didn't enjoy it.   I was always stressed trying to get her ready for her games.   She hated going to practice.   She was not good at soccer.   I think I put her in soccer because it was something I had enjoyed when I was young and I didn't really consider her when that is what we decided to use as her confidence booster.   I started to really lose her.   I didn't understand her.  I could not figure out what she liked.  We had tried dance and she hated it.

But she had started using a camera in 1st grade and entering pictures into the Reflections contest at school.  She started winning at the school level but her pictures never went any further than that. When the opportunity came up for the photography contest at Thanksgiving Point came up I hesitated to tell her.   But I talked with Cori and decided we would take Amber to the Tulip Festival and she could use Cori's camera.  We headed off to the Tulip Festival.   Cori wasn't there yet, so Amber started off taking pictures with my cell phone.  Finally Cori got there with her camera.  Amber just took off.  She was snapping pictures constantly.   She was taking pictures of things I didn't think were picture worthy.   But I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut and just let her be. She was perfectly comfortable with the camera.  She loved having it around her neck.  She was a natural.

Then it came time to sort through the pictures.  I was amazed at the beautiful photographs Amber captured.   Then it came time to decide which pictures to submit.  I definitely had my favorites which weren't always Amber's favorites.   We narrowed it down to two pictures.   But then I put off submitting the application.  I thought we had a lot of time.  Finally the deadline was here and it was 11 p.m.   I had just climbed into bed.  Then I thought, "Oh no, I forgot to submit her pictures."   I didn't want to tell her I failed to submit her pictures so John found the application, printed it out, and woke up Amber long enough for her to sign the application.  Then we emailed the application and the photo to the contest coordinator.    We got it in on time.   I think we got the pictures in by 11:30 p.m.

Then it was the waiting game.   She had to get enough likes on Facebook so she could advance to the next round of judging with the actual judges.  She had to get enough of the popular vote.  So I shared her picture with my friends.  My brother shared her  picture and two or three other people shared her picture.   I started to get discouraged when one of the other photos received more than 100 likes and Amber's had about 40.  Ugh.   I wanted to see her win but I didn't think she stood a chance at this point.   I am so glad people liked her photo though.  She did advance to the next round.  From there it was up to the judges.   Judging was on Memorial Day, but I failed to check the results until June 1st.   I scrolled to the wrong division and didn't see her name.  It wasn't until I scrolled back up that I happened to see her name.   Both pictures won prizes.   She won first place for one picture and second place for the other.  I was so excited to see that.
The best part is that I now know what we get to do this summer.  As part of the prize package she will be getting a family pass to Thanksgiving Point.  We will get discounts and free admission to everything at Thanksgiving Point.  This means we may not have to go to the Dinosaur museum on the really crazy busy days.  We can go when we want to go and when I feel well enough to take the kids.  We can also go any time throughout the year.   Yay, yay, yay!  Way to go Amber!

Not only has she excelled in photography, but she has shown great talent in theatre.   Her class had the opportunity this year to write and perform an opera.   The Children's theatre program at Utah State University helped them put together the opera.  She practiced the songs at home, getting mad at her siblings for singing along.  Then it came time to divvy out parts.  She started getting discouraged because she didn't think she would get a major part even though she knew all the songs by heart.  The day came to divvy up parts.  She came home and said, "Guess what, I get to be the ghost!"  Yep, that was one of the biggest parts.  She was so excited.   I was excited for her.  She was always talking about her costume and what she was going to do.   It was so fun to see her face light  up every time she talked about the opera.

It came time for the performance.  I wanted to enjoy the opera so I found a babysitter for two of the boys.  The baby was easy to take with me.  Amber wanted my grandparents to come and both sets did come.  She was so excited to perform for people, especially those she knows.   She did an amazing job.  She was a good ghost of the clock.   I think she has found something else she loves.   She loves theatre.  I need to find some classes or something so we can feed her interests.
 
I am so glad we have finally found something she likes.  She has started to blossom under the opportunities.  I have finally found something she is passionate about.  I just need to foster this passion now.  I welcome any suggestions on how to foster passion for photography and theatre without breaking the bank.

The story

I had a birth plan.   I was going to deliver in the water with no epidural.   I had already planned on no epidural for multiple reasons of which I will not go into.    So, the option for a water birth was very attractive to me.  I had heard much good from friends who had done water births.  I was excited, yet nervous, to try this option.

But then my birth plan seemed to go haywire.   I had four days, at least, where I was sure I was in labor only to have contractions stop after an hour or two.   So on March 16th when contractions started late at night I went to bed fully expecting to be at church the next day.   That is until the contractions became so intense I could not breathe and they did not lessen after two hours of lying in bed.  John toted the other kids off to my dad's house while I tried to gear myself up for more disappointment.  I still fully expected the hospital to send me home.   We arrived at the hospital about 12:45 a.m.  I was into a room within 5 minutes via wheelchair.   

I had all my relaxation music and hypnotism tracks ready to go.    The nurses needed to prepare the tub for the water birth.    I wasn't quite sure what to expect with this part.   They had a large inflatable tub, much like a larger version of a child's inflatable swimming pool.   I was really unsure about this but I knew the water would help the pain.   I spent about an hour trying to ignore the painful contractions by using my MP3 player loaded with relaxing music and such.    However, the nurses kept  interrupting my relaxation and asking me a boatload of questions.   Ugh.   But I felt I was managing nicely.    The tub was finally ready.   The midwife helped me into the tub and oh, sweet relief.   The water immediately helped take the pressure off my midsection and helped make the contractions more manageable.    Oh, it was wonderful.    

I'm not really sure how long I was in the water before the contractions became so intense that I knew it was time to push.   I started pushing.  Once.   I could feel him almost out.  I knew how far he was, but it didn't hurt.    Twice.    His head started coming out.    Three pushes and he was out.   I had the option of catching him myself, but I was so overcome with emotion and relief that I did not trust myself to safely capture by baby.    So the midwife caught my little boy and immediately put him on my chest.   He was still attached to the cord.    

This was such a sweet experience.   I was able to hold my baby for about ten minutes before they took him to cut the cord and do his apgar scoring.   What a sweet experience.   We were able to sit in the water and bond, mother and baby.   At that point I did not even think about how gross the water was.  I just knew I had delivered the most perfect, and sweetest baby boy.   He was born at 2:48 a.m. on March 17th.    Yep, St Patty's day!

So here's where the comparisons come in.    I had planned to have my first child un-medicated but then I ended up having a C section.   I had a difficult time holding her at first as my body had just gone through the trauma of major surgery.   I hurt a lot after this birth.   

My second child I went with the epidural from the get go.  I didn't even want to try this one un-medicated.    I ended up bruising my tail bone, my daughter was jaundiced, and was unresponsive when she first came out.   I did not get to see her for a few minutes as they had to get her to breathe first.    

My third child I went with an epidural also.   After awhile in labor at the hospital, everything stopped and they had to give me pitocin (sp?) to start things up again.   He was a little lethargic as he came out but he was responsive.   I did have to put him on the bili bed as he was majorly jaundiced.

My fourth child came very fast.   I barely had time for an epidural.   But then it seemed the contractions slowed down.  I like to think he would have come a lot faster had I not had the epidural.  When he came out he was responsive, but seemed a little lethargic also.   He was also jaundiced and needed to be on the bili bed.

With all of my children up to this point I needed strong medication to manage the pain afterward.   I took either Percocet or Lortab for a couple of days afterward for pain, especially with my second child.  Bruising my tail bone was not in the plan.  

Now, with this one, I like to say I felt like I could run a marathon right after having him.   I tore a little bit, but the stitches did not hurt.   I was not sore like the others.  I felt like I could move, get to the bathroom by myself.   That alone was a positive thing.   It is so embarrassing to  have somebody help you to the bathroom and watch you until you are done.   

I digress.   Let me get back on track here.   This time my baby was alert and very responsive.    I was alert and responsive too.   I was able to enjoy him right away.   We had some sweet bonding moments while still in the water.    He did not have problems with jaundice.   

I did not need much pain medicine.   I felt I did not really need the pain meds but the nurses and midwife did not want me to get past the unmanageable stage so they started me on Ibuprofen 800.  Wahoo, no percocet or Lortab.  This meant I would not be loopy and I would be more responsive to my baby.    

I had a very easy recovery.   I was up and moving very quickly afterwards.  In fact, I had to get up and get out of the pool.   I loved being able to move and feel my own body.   I really liked being able to get to the bathroom without help from a nurse.  This meant I did not have to wait for someone to come to my room.   I had full control over my body.  Also, I was not hooked up to an IV.   I did not need to be hooked up to a saline solution afterwards.   I was free of any restricting cords, etc.   

I am so glad I chose the water birth.  It was so much easier than having an epidural and the recovery has been ten times better.  I would recommend a water birth for anybody.    The midwives had hesitated a bit to allow me to do the water birth because of my previous C section but I was so determined.   I love the midwives that cared for me.   They were amazing.   Despite the problems with illness during this pregnancy, I really felt like it was much easier than any of the others.  I am so grateful they allowed me the experience of a water birth.  

Disappointed with what is available

My daughter just turned 10 and for her birthday I gave her some options.
Option 1:  Go to the store and buy a present.
Option 2:  Go to Disney on Ice.
Option 3:  Go to a movie with mom and dad.

Of course, I gave her these options not really knowing what movies are available right now.   Plus, I thought I was safe, I was sure she would choose Disney on Ice.   But such is not the case.  She chose the movie with mom and dad.   So we sat down on Saturday to choose a movie.    I was severely disappointed in the fare we had to choose from.

I will not take my daughter to see these movies.   I just want to protect her from the world for a little longer.  There are things she doesn't need to see in the movies just yet.  The only movie I can see she would enjoy is OZ which doesn't come out for another week or so.   But I think she was telling me she wanted to see that movie just because it was the only one available.

So John and I decided to see if we could find a live theatre to take her to.   I want to take her to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at the Hale Center Theatre, but it is mostly sold out until the end of March.  She has watched that movie so I know she would understand the play a bit.   I looked for other community theatres and found one with rave reviews.   The reviews said it was family friendly, cheaper than going to a movie, etc, etc, etc.   Then I looked at the current offering, "Death of a Salesman."  

I don't know about you, but I didn't fully understand that play when I read it in High School so I do not expect my 10 year old daughter to understand it right now.   I did not like it when I read it and I refuse to subject my daughter to something that I did not enjoy many years ago.  

My other option I suppose was to go to the ballet.   Ballet West just recently had Cinderella and I know she would have liked Cinderella.  But I was too late.   It ended on Saturday.  I thought it had at least one more week.  

After searching for options I am disappointed with what is available for family viewing.   There are not many options that are appropriate for a 10 year old.   I would like to expose my children to more theatre, but I refuse to pay the price for them to not understand and to be bored.  Maybe the pickings will be better in a few months, but I didn't want to wait that long.   I am tired of putting her off like this. But I don't have much of an option at this point.

I will just chalk this up to another parenting fail with my daughter.   It seems to happen way too often lately.  

I remember that time when . . .

As I was driving home from preschool today, my mind was flooded with memories.   One in particular was very poignant.  I was transported to my freshman year in college.   I had a wonderful roommate, yet she loved to stay up later than I did.  She consistently had others visiting.  At the same time I had a bout of homesickness, though I was only an hour away.  But, I had a tape (cassette tapes were still popular then!)  that my mom had given me.  It was a recording of the program we had when I received my young womanhood recognition.

What I remember most is that she had given a talk and had sung a duet with me.   I don't even remember the exact song we sang.   So, at night I would put headphones on and turn on the tape.   The headphones definitely did not block out all sound, but I found it relaxed me and I fell asleep quickly.   I was so grateful for that tape.   

So, as I was driving today, I found myself wishing I still had that tape.  I cannot find it and I think I may have recorded over it in later years.  I thought that if it relaxed me so many years ago amidst all the craziness of my dorm room, it could relax me during labor, right?   Maybe it could help me relax and sleep when I have a horrible migraine, or when I just have one of my restless nights.   

I'm not sure, why this memory surfaced today.  I am left missing my mom very much today as my emotions are already right on the surface.    People say that time erases the pain.   Well, yes, time does erase the pain, but it cannot erase the memories and it cannot erase the need for the one person who understood me better than I understood myself at times.   

More illness . . . .

After finishing a round of antibiotics, I thought I was free and clear.  I was getting things ready to complete a million projects I have lined up, including getting my girls moved into their rooms downstairs.   All of a sudden I was so exhausted I could barely stay awake.   I had an awful headache, I felt like the sinus infection had come back in full force, my body hurt, and I couldn't breathe when I tried to sleep.   I was so miserable.  

To top it all off, my girls were starting to complain about not feeling well and my boys were not sleeping well.   Once again, we were back to putting the kids in front of a movie or the computer so I could get some much needed rest.   I had started to feel yucky on a Tuesday.   That Wednesday I let Amber stay home from school because she felt awful and she looked so tired.  I had already been keeping Timothy home from school because he was so tired and out of sorts.   Having Amber home that day was such a godsend.   Even though she wasn't feeling well, she helped me with the boys.  I could barely move.

On Thursday I let Emma stay home.  I think she just wanted a day like Amber had, but she also just looked exhausted.  That day was the breaking point for me.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry.  I was miserable and I couldn't keep up with the kids.   Every time I stood or sat upright my head would throb.   I couldn't even walk in a straight line.   

This is where my visiting teacher stepped in.   She had called earlier because Amber had told her I was really sick again.   She asked if I needed anything from the store.   I had her get some me some milk.  That was the one thing that would make breakfast so much easier.  My kids can get cereal on their own and I don't have to worry about getting them breakfast.  I had just been feeling so yucky and had not been able to get to the store yet.   

She came back with the milk and I had to get up and answer the door.   I could barely stand up and I was literally in tears because I hurt so much.  It was awful.   At that point I was so grateful that she then took my kids for the rest of the afternoon, and made dinner for us.  I asked somebody else to pick up Amber from school as I knew I would not be able to get there safely.   

John got home from work, we ate dinner, and he said he was taking me to Instacare and I had no choice.  This had gone on long enough and I needed help.   So he took my kids to my dad's house and we trooped off to Instacare.   Because of the severe pain combined with pregnancy Instacare would not treat me.  The doctor gave John a choice- either he can drive me to the ER or they would put me in an ambulance.  He chose to drive me to the ER.   

Thankfully they were  not busy at the ER.  I waited a few short minutes before they checked me in.   After getting checked in, the ER wouldn't treat me either.  They wheeled me to Labor and Delivery where they took a flu swab and monitored the baby.  Oh, and they gave me a dose of morphine.  Because the morphine did not take effect immediately and with my history of migraines, Labor and Delivery sent me back to the ER for X-rays.   This is when I found out the flu test came back positive.   I could have told them it was the flu before I took the test.   It didn't feel like anything else.  

Back in the ER, despite having difficulty standing due to the severe headache, the X-ray tech made me stand up.   I just wanted to cry.  John hadn't been able to come with me so I had to do it by myself.   The x-ray tech was no help.   He was actually a little impatient with me.   Finally we were done with x-rays.   A short while later the ER nurses told me I was being admitted.   At that point it was just about 8 a.m. and I had been at the hospital since 8 p.m.   John was exhausted, I was exhausted, and my kids were still at my dad's house.   

The doctors told me I would be there for at least 24 hours.  But then my platelet counts dropped.    They wouldn't let me go home until my platelet counts started rising again.   By Sunday I was so discouraged.   Everything was out of my control.  My platelet levels had dropped so low and the doctor kept telling me scary things that could happen.   Before this I didn't know what function the platelets have.   Apparently platelets are an important factor in blood clotting.   So that's why everybody was so concerned when my platelet levels dropped.   

That Tuesday, five days after originally going to the ER the doctor finally told me I could go home because it looked like my platelet counts were rising.   I came home about 1:00 that afternoon.   I was so excited to come home, but I was still so exhausted.   It has been a long road since I came home.   I have taken a major beating physically and emotionally.   My energy has pretty much been non-existent.  Two weeks later I am just now feeling like I can function as a normal person again.   But I still have to get the rooms ready for my girls.    I have a lot to do in the next 6 weeks.   I'm not sure it is going to get done but I will certainly try.  I may have to enlist the help of friends.  

There is a time and a place for everything

Sometime in December I came down with what I thought was just a common cold.   It very well may have been just a cold to begin with.   But, being pregnant, there are very little medications I can take to ease the symptoms.  Yes, I know the medications won't make my cold go away, I just needed to function.   So, knowing there were very little options for medications, I turned to some friends and family who use herbal remedies.  Some of these people rely solely on herbal remedies, others will use medication when absolutely necessary.   

So, after consulting with these people, here is the regimen I began.

Garlic-   I began using fresh garlic.  I would chop it up, put it on a spoon, and wash it down with water.  At first it was really gross, but I soon got used to it.   I could tolerate the fresh garlic.  I was taking about 3 cloves of fresh garlic a day.

Zinc/Vitamin C supplement-  I would take 2-3 pills per day.  Zinc is supposed to be a natural antibiotic as well as garlic.   

Neti pot-  I love the neti pot.  It is a little weird, but I have been using the neti pot for about 5 years now.   Usually I can flush out my sinuses before the infection settles in.   

Peppermint oil-  I would put this under my nose, on the back of my tongue, and on my forehead to help clear my sinuses and to relieve my headaches.  

So, with all the garlic, zinc, and vitamin C I was infusing my body with, I should have started to feel better, right?   Fast forward three weeks.   I was getting sinus headaches galore.   My face felt ready to explode.  My sinuses were so clogged the neti pot was not doing any good.   My face was was so swollen and sore.   I had the chiropractor do work on my sinuses to open them up and help them drain.   This seemed to all be to no avail.   I was sure at this point that I had a sinus infection.  

After trying everything, except going to the doctor, I knew I needed to get in quickly.  After all, it had been just about 4 weeks since I first started feeling like I had a cold.  I was able to get in the same day I called.  I knew the doc would prescribe amoxicillan, but I know my body does not respond to amoxicillan.  I talked with the doctor about this.  I told him I did not want to return in two weeks not feeling any better and needing a different antibiotic.   He gave me one I can use safely and he took time to explain the classifications of antibiotics and why he could give me the one he did.   

I am now on day four of antibiotics and I feel 10 times better than I have for the past month.   I have gotten through the day without a major headache.  I am still exhausted as ever, but I can function.  

Not that anybody needed all this dumb information about how sick I've been.   My point is that there is a time and a place for everything.   I do believe herbs work to a point.   But I do not believe that we should disregard the place of medication and the advice of doctors in our lives.   I have friends who are completely sold on the use of essential oils for everything.   Others I  know are completely sold on herbs for everything.   

I am not completely sold on the sole use of either essential oils or herbs.   I do believe they have a place and will help.  But there are times when the ailments we suffer with require more than what the herbs and oils can do for us.   After trying all I knew to do with herbs and oils, I knew I needed more help.   I do not like medications but I also recognize the need for medication to help me.   I recognize that there is a time and a place for herbs and also a time and a place for medications.

If the stars and moon could be our pillow . . .

Apparently my little guy has an obsession with the stars and the moon.  Who knew?  I certainly didn't realize this.   It was about 3 a.m. and I was tucking him back into bed after he had gotten sick (yuck!).  He turned to me and told me when he grows up he wants an airplane that will go all the way to the stars and to the moon.   When I asked him why he wanted that when he grows up, he looked at me and said, "So the stars and the moon can be my pillow."   Then he laid his head down and went to sleep.   I'm sure he was dreaming of sleeping on stars.  

How would that be to believe all is well if the stars and moon make the pillow we lay our heads on as we sleep?