I really thought I was doing okay. After six weeks I was feeling good. Yes, I was exhausted but I chalked that up to a baby that wasn't sleeping very well, hence no sleep for me. I felt I was doing better than I had for quite some time and better than I had after most of my babies. I wasn't worried about how I felt. At 6 weeks postpartum I really did feel great.
Now, nearly 6 months later my baby sleeps through the night and I should be feeling better as I get more sleep. What, there is a better? Oh, this thing called postpartum depression can affect a person even after five kids? Shouldn't I be able to handle this better by now?
I don't have a problem bonding with my baby or with wanting to hurt myself or the baby. But I do have fears that something will happen to the baby or one of the other children. Just today my kids were playing in the front yard. I thought "I need to get them inside. Otherwise they will get under the neighbors cars and get squished when the neighbors don't know the kids are under there." Pretty rational, right?
Or there are the nights I sit in bed worrying that the baby is suffocating in the blanket he was tightly swaddled in. Really? I'm losing sleep over this a lot.
So as I started looking into it more I am reminded there is much more than just thoughts of hurting myself or the baby.. But even now I don't feel as if all the symptoms fully describe me, but I found that many do. Warning: if you don't want to know details, stop reading here.
Here's me after six months in relation to Postpartum Depression.
Loss of appetite- Yes and no. I have an appetite, just for the wrong kind of foods. Honestly I could live off fast food at this moment because I don't have to cook it, I don't have to plan it, and I don't have to think much about it. Some days I cook dinner knowing the kids need to eat. Yet I sit and look at it and I am disgusted with what I cook. I don't know how my kids can eat something so gross. Yet it something as simple as spaghetti or enchiladas.
Insomnia- Most nights I am so exhausted yet I lay there wondering when I will get to a deep sleep. I toss and turn for a good portion of the night. I find my mind won't shut down. I have so many things keeping me awake. Most nights I end up on the couch so as to not keep my husband up all night long. I have taken to talking in my so called insomnia state. I can't say talking in my sleep because I am well aware I am talking to myself. Usually I will fall asleep around three or four in the morning only to be woken up at 5ish, either by the baby or by the alarm.
Intense irritability and anger- I feel very irritable. The smallest things set me off. I feel like I am an angry person lately. It isn't that I want to be angry, I don't even really know why I'm angry. I can be just fine one moment. Then all of a sudden a switch is thrown in my head and I am so angry, It is truly the simple things that can set me off. Somebody didn't do the dishes, a toy was left out, somebody didn't turn off a light. There is no moderate anger here. I feel so angry that I want to cry because I'm so angry. I know, it really doesn't make sense to me either.
Overwhelming fatigue- Yes, this is me to a T. I am so tired all the time. I can get a lot of sleep and still be dragging my feet the next day. I do not have the energy I need. I feel like I need to nap all the time. I have a difficult time getting things done because I am so tired all the time.
Loss of interest in sex- I don't know if it is a loss of interest, but I am so incredibly exhausted I just can't think about it. I am exhausted at night, exhausted in the morning, exhausted in the middle of the day. I feel so exhausted that I don't have any more to give. I am falling into bed at night not wanting to move. Doesn't bode well for this aspect of life.
Lack of joy in life- Oh goodness, where do I start with this one? It is difficult to find joy. I feel so out of sorts all the time. I also feel like I am the only one trying to keep my household running smoothly. I have a difficult time keeping up with things. My kids started school and I am unable to keep up with their homework, especially for my kindergartner.
Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy- I constantly feel inadequate. I have a difficult time keeping up with and taking care of the children. Other people say things to me and I feel very awful all the time. There was a dad who told me off in the library. Ugh, way to help a mom who is struggling to keep it together already. I feel extremely guilty that I can't take care of the simple things in life. I can't keep my house clean. I can't keep up with laundry. I don't always keep up with the grocery shopping either.
Severe mood swings- Yes, yes, and yes. I can be laughing one moment, yelling at everybody the next moment, and crying the next. I do not feel in control of my feelings right now. I have intense mood swings. And these mood swings are triggered by the simplest things.
Difficulty bonding with your baby- I have not had a problem bonding with my baby.
Withdrawal from family and friends- There are times when it is difficult to get out with people. Just the thought of trying to be pleasant is too much. And it is difficult for me to keep a handle on everything going on with five kids that I would much rather stay in my home. I have gone out with people, but it feels like such a chore sometimes. Some days I just want to curl up in bed and never get out.
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby- No, I do not have these thoughts. I just have irrational fears that something is going to happen to one of the children. I fear that my children aren't making it to school, but I feel powerless to check up on them. I fear I will lose my children in the store.
Add to all this two children who have ADHD. And add a husband who still struggles with PTSD. Then you will know that most days I really struggle to keep everything together. This is part of the reason I have gotten locked out of my house twice in the past week. This is also the reason that my ten year old daughter was getting breakfast for everybody during the summer.
So, maybe I need help. I feel a little silly talking to someone, my problems seem so silly and petty. Please, I just ask that people be patient with me. I recognize that I am struggling. I do not need to be reminded at every turn. i just need to know there are people who support me and will help me through this. I hate feeling this way and I hate that I feel powerless to change things.
No comments:
Post a Comment