ADHD, depression, and more

Just a little under a year ago I was diagnosed with severe Postpartum depression.  I laughed it off at first.  I said, this is my fifth child, this is silly.  I can't have postpartum depression.   But all the signs were there.  I had difficulty sleeping, I felt my world was very dark.  Then my midwife put me on an antidepressant.   My world suddenly brightened.  I wondered why it had taken so long to get help.   

Now, almost a year later I am better able to assess what is and has been happening.   I realize now that this depression had started long before I was even pregnant this last time.   There was so much going on and I was so overwhelmed.  I did not know how to take care of new kinks in life and I could not see the bright side of things.  I could only see the doom.  I wanted to cry a lot.   Worst of all was I felt alone.   I didn't feel people wanted to hear about my struggles, so I silently went about life, trying to keep my head above water.  

You see, my son was diagnosed with ADHD and my world turned upside down.  Soon after his diagnosis we were learning a whole new way, a whole new structure to life.   Suddenly my life went from unscheduled, fly by the seat of my pants to schedule, schedule, schedule.   I was learning a whole new way of asking my son to do things.  The things I thought I knew about teaching children to be positive influences in society were suddenly ineffective.

Okay, so these ideas had already become ineffective in my life, I just wasn't ready to admit it.  I wanted so much to be able to keep everything in the mold I had created.  I had an idea of how life should and would be for my family.   Dealing with ADHD was not in the cards.   This time is when my world started going dark.   I was having difficultly implementing the behavior modification the psychologist was teaching us about.   I was having difficulty with guilt about something I felt I should have done differently.    I felt extreme guilt over how I had previously reacted to my son's various antics.   Then I went through a period of guilt over our decision to try medication.    

In the middle of all of this, I found out I was pregnant with my fifth child.   I was so overwhelmed with life that I could not be excited about this child.  I went through the motions, going to all of my appointments.   Late in my pregnancy I was hospitalized for the flu and I found myself unable to shake the depression that was really settling in.   I felt God had abandoned me at that point.  I was convinced that this illness and hospital stay was some form of punishment for something but I didn't know for what.   

My due date was March 16th.  I really expected early labor because my four prior children had all come early.   I had a lot of false labor this time.   The braxton hicks contractions were so strong and close together.  March 16th came and I knew my baby would not be coming that day.  I was so frustrated.    When contractions started later that night I waited a long time before acknowledging this was the real thing.   So we had our son on the 17th in the wee hours of the morning.   After he came I felt great for quite some time.   I went to my six week check up with the midwife and I felt on top of the world.   

Shortly after that appointment I knew things were not right but I refused to admit I was having difficulty.  Friends would visit with me and I would smile and say everything was alright.   I had wanted to do fun things that summer but I lost all motivation.  I lost my zeal for life.   School was back in session before I knew it.   My son with ADHD was now in Kindergarten, I was supposed to be helping with PTA, and I was struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.   My oldest daughter was trying to help but that was a lot to ask of her.  I felt extreme guilt for the way I felt.   At some point during all of this I had seen something about postpartum depression and I looked at the general information with signs and symptoms.   Then I made an appointment with my midwife. 

Anti depressants soon became my friend and my world ceased to be dark.  I started to see the good around me. I started to be able to more fully participate in my children's lives.   I gave up PTA responsibilities, I gave up helping in my children's classrooms.   I gave up work that I wanted so I could concentrate on me and my family.   Then I asked for help.   My step mom stepped up and started taking my children two afternoons a week as the doctor ordered.   During this kid free time I was free to do whatever I wanted to do.   This kid free time was not clean the house time.  It was time for me to rejuvenate and breathe.   

Now that life seems more stable, I have come to a few realizations.   

1.  I have been focusing on my son's behavior more than my own.  I need to figure myself out before I can fully help him.  I need to be his anchor,  his example.  I can't be that if my behavior at times is unacceptable.

2.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.   Despite the darkness I faced, I have been greatly blessed. I cannot fully comprehend the many ways I have been blessed through these many trials, but I do know the Lord has sustained me through it all and continues to guide me through the difficult times.

3.  I can do hard things but sometimes I need help.  There are people willing to help, I need to let them help.   I do not need to walk alone through the muck.

So, really, there isn't much to this story I haven't previously shared, except that I know I have been blessed.  I see things in a different perspective now.  I am not grateful for depression itself, nor for ADHD in a child, but I am grateful for what I have learned.