Disappointed with what is available

My daughter just turned 10 and for her birthday I gave her some options.
Option 1:  Go to the store and buy a present.
Option 2:  Go to Disney on Ice.
Option 3:  Go to a movie with mom and dad.

Of course, I gave her these options not really knowing what movies are available right now.   Plus, I thought I was safe, I was sure she would choose Disney on Ice.   But such is not the case.  She chose the movie with mom and dad.   So we sat down on Saturday to choose a movie.    I was severely disappointed in the fare we had to choose from.

I will not take my daughter to see these movies.   I just want to protect her from the world for a little longer.  There are things she doesn't need to see in the movies just yet.  The only movie I can see she would enjoy is OZ which doesn't come out for another week or so.   But I think she was telling me she wanted to see that movie just because it was the only one available.

So John and I decided to see if we could find a live theatre to take her to.   I want to take her to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at the Hale Center Theatre, but it is mostly sold out until the end of March.  She has watched that movie so I know she would understand the play a bit.   I looked for other community theatres and found one with rave reviews.   The reviews said it was family friendly, cheaper than going to a movie, etc, etc, etc.   Then I looked at the current offering, "Death of a Salesman."  

I don't know about you, but I didn't fully understand that play when I read it in High School so I do not expect my 10 year old daughter to understand it right now.   I did not like it when I read it and I refuse to subject my daughter to something that I did not enjoy many years ago.  

My other option I suppose was to go to the ballet.   Ballet West just recently had Cinderella and I know she would have liked Cinderella.  But I was too late.   It ended on Saturday.  I thought it had at least one more week.  

After searching for options I am disappointed with what is available for family viewing.   There are not many options that are appropriate for a 10 year old.   I would like to expose my children to more theatre, but I refuse to pay the price for them to not understand and to be bored.  Maybe the pickings will be better in a few months, but I didn't want to wait that long.   I am tired of putting her off like this. But I don't have much of an option at this point.

I will just chalk this up to another parenting fail with my daughter.   It seems to happen way too often lately.  

I remember that time when . . .

As I was driving home from preschool today, my mind was flooded with memories.   One in particular was very poignant.  I was transported to my freshman year in college.   I had a wonderful roommate, yet she loved to stay up later than I did.  She consistently had others visiting.  At the same time I had a bout of homesickness, though I was only an hour away.  But, I had a tape (cassette tapes were still popular then!)  that my mom had given me.  It was a recording of the program we had when I received my young womanhood recognition.

What I remember most is that she had given a talk and had sung a duet with me.   I don't even remember the exact song we sang.   So, at night I would put headphones on and turn on the tape.   The headphones definitely did not block out all sound, but I found it relaxed me and I fell asleep quickly.   I was so grateful for that tape.   

So, as I was driving today, I found myself wishing I still had that tape.  I cannot find it and I think I may have recorded over it in later years.  I thought that if it relaxed me so many years ago amidst all the craziness of my dorm room, it could relax me during labor, right?   Maybe it could help me relax and sleep when I have a horrible migraine, or when I just have one of my restless nights.   

I'm not sure, why this memory surfaced today.  I am left missing my mom very much today as my emotions are already right on the surface.    People say that time erases the pain.   Well, yes, time does erase the pain, but it cannot erase the memories and it cannot erase the need for the one person who understood me better than I understood myself at times.   

More illness . . . .

After finishing a round of antibiotics, I thought I was free and clear.  I was getting things ready to complete a million projects I have lined up, including getting my girls moved into their rooms downstairs.   All of a sudden I was so exhausted I could barely stay awake.   I had an awful headache, I felt like the sinus infection had come back in full force, my body hurt, and I couldn't breathe when I tried to sleep.   I was so miserable.  

To top it all off, my girls were starting to complain about not feeling well and my boys were not sleeping well.   Once again, we were back to putting the kids in front of a movie or the computer so I could get some much needed rest.   I had started to feel yucky on a Tuesday.   That Wednesday I let Amber stay home from school because she felt awful and she looked so tired.  I had already been keeping Timothy home from school because he was so tired and out of sorts.   Having Amber home that day was such a godsend.   Even though she wasn't feeling well, she helped me with the boys.  I could barely move.

On Thursday I let Emma stay home.  I think she just wanted a day like Amber had, but she also just looked exhausted.  That day was the breaking point for me.  I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry.  I was miserable and I couldn't keep up with the kids.   Every time I stood or sat upright my head would throb.   I couldn't even walk in a straight line.   

This is where my visiting teacher stepped in.   She had called earlier because Amber had told her I was really sick again.   She asked if I needed anything from the store.   I had her get some me some milk.  That was the one thing that would make breakfast so much easier.  My kids can get cereal on their own and I don't have to worry about getting them breakfast.  I had just been feeling so yucky and had not been able to get to the store yet.   

She came back with the milk and I had to get up and answer the door.   I could barely stand up and I was literally in tears because I hurt so much.  It was awful.   At that point I was so grateful that she then took my kids for the rest of the afternoon, and made dinner for us.  I asked somebody else to pick up Amber from school as I knew I would not be able to get there safely.   

John got home from work, we ate dinner, and he said he was taking me to Instacare and I had no choice.  This had gone on long enough and I needed help.   So he took my kids to my dad's house and we trooped off to Instacare.   Because of the severe pain combined with pregnancy Instacare would not treat me.  The doctor gave John a choice- either he can drive me to the ER or they would put me in an ambulance.  He chose to drive me to the ER.   

Thankfully they were  not busy at the ER.  I waited a few short minutes before they checked me in.   After getting checked in, the ER wouldn't treat me either.  They wheeled me to Labor and Delivery where they took a flu swab and monitored the baby.  Oh, and they gave me a dose of morphine.  Because the morphine did not take effect immediately and with my history of migraines, Labor and Delivery sent me back to the ER for X-rays.   This is when I found out the flu test came back positive.   I could have told them it was the flu before I took the test.   It didn't feel like anything else.  

Back in the ER, despite having difficulty standing due to the severe headache, the X-ray tech made me stand up.   I just wanted to cry.  John hadn't been able to come with me so I had to do it by myself.   The x-ray tech was no help.   He was actually a little impatient with me.   Finally we were done with x-rays.   A short while later the ER nurses told me I was being admitted.   At that point it was just about 8 a.m. and I had been at the hospital since 8 p.m.   John was exhausted, I was exhausted, and my kids were still at my dad's house.   

The doctors told me I would be there for at least 24 hours.  But then my platelet counts dropped.    They wouldn't let me go home until my platelet counts started rising again.   By Sunday I was so discouraged.   Everything was out of my control.  My platelet levels had dropped so low and the doctor kept telling me scary things that could happen.   Before this I didn't know what function the platelets have.   Apparently platelets are an important factor in blood clotting.   So that's why everybody was so concerned when my platelet levels dropped.   

That Tuesday, five days after originally going to the ER the doctor finally told me I could go home because it looked like my platelet counts were rising.   I came home about 1:00 that afternoon.   I was so excited to come home, but I was still so exhausted.   It has been a long road since I came home.   I have taken a major beating physically and emotionally.   My energy has pretty much been non-existent.  Two weeks later I am just now feeling like I can function as a normal person again.   But I still have to get the rooms ready for my girls.    I have a lot to do in the next 6 weeks.   I'm not sure it is going to get done but I will certainly try.  I may have to enlist the help of friends.  

There is a time and a place for everything

Sometime in December I came down with what I thought was just a common cold.   It very well may have been just a cold to begin with.   But, being pregnant, there are very little medications I can take to ease the symptoms.  Yes, I know the medications won't make my cold go away, I just needed to function.   So, knowing there were very little options for medications, I turned to some friends and family who use herbal remedies.  Some of these people rely solely on herbal remedies, others will use medication when absolutely necessary.   

So, after consulting with these people, here is the regimen I began.

Garlic-   I began using fresh garlic.  I would chop it up, put it on a spoon, and wash it down with water.  At first it was really gross, but I soon got used to it.   I could tolerate the fresh garlic.  I was taking about 3 cloves of fresh garlic a day.

Zinc/Vitamin C supplement-  I would take 2-3 pills per day.  Zinc is supposed to be a natural antibiotic as well as garlic.   

Neti pot-  I love the neti pot.  It is a little weird, but I have been using the neti pot for about 5 years now.   Usually I can flush out my sinuses before the infection settles in.   

Peppermint oil-  I would put this under my nose, on the back of my tongue, and on my forehead to help clear my sinuses and to relieve my headaches.  

So, with all the garlic, zinc, and vitamin C I was infusing my body with, I should have started to feel better, right?   Fast forward three weeks.   I was getting sinus headaches galore.   My face felt ready to explode.  My sinuses were so clogged the neti pot was not doing any good.   My face was was so swollen and sore.   I had the chiropractor do work on my sinuses to open them up and help them drain.   This seemed to all be to no avail.   I was sure at this point that I had a sinus infection.  

After trying everything, except going to the doctor, I knew I needed to get in quickly.  After all, it had been just about 4 weeks since I first started feeling like I had a cold.  I was able to get in the same day I called.  I knew the doc would prescribe amoxicillan, but I know my body does not respond to amoxicillan.  I talked with the doctor about this.  I told him I did not want to return in two weeks not feeling any better and needing a different antibiotic.   He gave me one I can use safely and he took time to explain the classifications of antibiotics and why he could give me the one he did.   

I am now on day four of antibiotics and I feel 10 times better than I have for the past month.   I have gotten through the day without a major headache.  I am still exhausted as ever, but I can function.  

Not that anybody needed all this dumb information about how sick I've been.   My point is that there is a time and a place for everything.   I do believe herbs work to a point.   But I do not believe that we should disregard the place of medication and the advice of doctors in our lives.   I have friends who are completely sold on the use of essential oils for everything.   Others I  know are completely sold on herbs for everything.   

I am not completely sold on the sole use of either essential oils or herbs.   I do believe they have a place and will help.  But there are times when the ailments we suffer with require more than what the herbs and oils can do for us.   After trying all I knew to do with herbs and oils, I knew I needed more help.   I do not like medications but I also recognize the need for medication to help me.   I recognize that there is a time and a place for herbs and also a time and a place for medications.

If the stars and moon could be our pillow . . .

Apparently my little guy has an obsession with the stars and the moon.  Who knew?  I certainly didn't realize this.   It was about 3 a.m. and I was tucking him back into bed after he had gotten sick (yuck!).  He turned to me and told me when he grows up he wants an airplane that will go all the way to the stars and to the moon.   When I asked him why he wanted that when he grows up, he looked at me and said, "So the stars and the moon can be my pillow."   Then he laid his head down and went to sleep.   I'm sure he was dreaming of sleeping on stars.  

How would that be to believe all is well if the stars and moon make the pillow we lay our heads on as we sleep?   

Celebrating small successes

Sometimes finding evidence of positive behavior amidst the chaos of a defiant child is difficult.  However, I would be remiss if I failed to celebrate the small successes of the past few days.   So here begins my celebration!

Yesterday I had extra pieces of pie crust dough in a bowl on the counter.  Timothy wanted to play with it, and I let him.   I told him he could play with it if he stayed at the table.  The next thing I knew he had the dough and my rolling pin and he was trying to roll it out like he had seen me doing earlier.   He was imitating my behavior.  I will celebrate positive imitation.

He also used the beans I had used to weigh down the crust when I baked it earlier.  I let him play with the beans.  I knew they would likely get all over.  But if the dough and the beans were the worst that would get all over, I was willing to deal with the mess.

I generally hate the messes.   I get so stressed with kid messes.   But this time was different.  Timothy was actually entertaining himself.   He found the dough and the beans on his own.  He figured out what he needed to do with the rolling pin and the dough.   He was playing nicely with Emma who had decided she wanted in on his fun.   They worked together for quite some time without fighting.  

Yes, there was a mess on the table and on the floor around the table when they were done.  But I looked the other way and I choose to celebrate the small successes of positive behavior.

Then we headed to my dad's house for dinner.  Generally we have a difficult time getting Timothy to sit still long enough to eat a good dinner.  And if he does eat he is so squirmy in his seat.  Yesterday he sat quietly eating his dinner.  It wasn't until someone noticed he wasn't eating his potatoes "properly" that he started having issues.

Yes, he was picking at his potatoes, but he will not eat potato skins and he was so full that he really didn't want any more of his dinner.   Yes, he had started playing with his food, but he was sitting quietly, he wasn't underneath the table stomping on our feet.  But once again I am chose to look the other way and I choose to celebrate the small successes.  He was in his chair for about half an hour.  What more can I really ask of a child who generally does not do this?  

More small successes:

He allowed us to help him get dressed quickly yesterday morning.   Yes, it took quite a few times reminding him what he needed to do, but he got it done.  Breakfast went smoothly.  He ate breakfast without teasing the dog, without teasing Micah, and without spilling milk all over.

When we first got to church, the worst he did was run to the front and run around the choir seats.   He then lost the privilege to decide which parent he would sit by in Sacrament meeting.  He was mad at me, but he did sit quietly next to me until the sacrament had been passed.  Then I allowed him to sit by John as that is what he wanted to begin with.  He quietly colored pictures without fighting and without trying to climb underneath the pews.  He did not sit in his seat the entire time, and he was not perfectly quiet.   He wanted to talk about his picture.   But he wasn't screaming, hitting, biting, kicking, etc.  I choose to celebrate the fact that we got through sacrament meeting without a major all out meltdown.

In Primary, the worst he did was to throw his shoes at one of the girls in his class.  This is a far cry from the hitting and the biting and the running away.  Yes, I do not appreciate the shoe throwing, but I choose to celebrate the fact that his behavior in Primary is starting to improve.

This morning we were waiting for his ride to preschool to get here.   He sat through the story Micah choose and then we read one of Timothy's choice.   Then it was time for Timothy to find his backpack and something for show and tell.  He quickly found something to take and he put it in his backpack quickly.   When his ride got here, he went to the door and told me she was here, he walked out and said "Bye mom."   Such a sweet boy.  He generally doesn't acknowledge me when he leaves.    So I will celebrate the morning of stories and positive behavior again.

So in the grand scheme of things, has my child's behavior changed drastically?  No.  But in our moment to moment life, I am finding myself more capable of finding the positives and the negatives aren't so overwhelming.   I am finding positive moments to focus on when I need help during those moments of pure chaos.  

ADHD and my child

Nothing has ever made me want to be a recluse more than having a child with ADHD.   I hate that feeling that every eye is turned on me.  At times it is embarrassing that others have to see the meltdowns over which shopping cart to get, or having the wrong color crayon at the restaurant because he dropped the blue one and only the orange one is available.  Most times these meltdowns include full on screaming, crying, kicking, and flailing around.  Yep, embarrassing.

Somehow this word just does not fully encompass the feelings when I become the subject of others demeaning stares.   I loathe being the subject of negative attention.   Sometimes I find myself so frustrated that I just want to give up.  Unfortunately for me I cannot completely avoid going out in public with my child.  I have things that need to get done, and after 7 p.m. just is not feasible all the time.    

The problem is I wasn't ready.   When the psychologist started mentioning ADHD I first thought this could not be my child, that she had it wrong.  But a lot of the signs are there.  I can't ignore what I see on a daily basis.  We agreed to try behavior modification therapy because, frankly, the idea of medicating my child at such a young age is very frightening to me.   Plus there is still a part of me that wants to believe he will grow out of some of this.  It has to be his age, right?  But I am still very conflicted about this issue.  But, in saying this, I don't need people to tell me I've made the wrong decision.  I'm already doing enough of that myself.  

Behavior modification is a lot of work and it requires a change in how my family functions.  We need to have more structure at home, and provide more activities for this child as his attention span is very, very low.   I struggle with this.  I have to be more vigilant and consistent with everything; mealtime, bedtime, wake up time, etc.  This also requires everybody in the family to be on the same page and willing to help out with this.  

Behavior modification also requires a lot more attention given to one child, making the other children feel as if they are being neglected.  If my attention is diverted elsewhere such as to help the girls with homework, disaster awaits.  Many times we have found a runaway child.  I think my neighbors get tired of helping me look for my child yet there are those few that are always looking out for my children and drop everything else to help me look for my child.  I am grateful for those neighbors.

In addition to behavior modification, the psychologist said he would need speech therapy.  She said it was common in children with ADHD.  Their minds are going so fast that they can't stop long enough to grasp the full intricacies of language.  I had known that the school district provides speech therapy but frankly, I was a little hesitant to go that route.  I had heard stories of parents trying to get their children into speech therapy only to be denied time and time again.  I did not feel my son's speech was that bad.   Wasn't his delay just due to age?  

During this whole process I had also been reading multiple things about ADHD and how to help a child with ADHD.   I looked online, borrowed books from the library, talked with others who have children with ADHD.   I still could not accept the fact that we had a correct diagnosis.  But the indicators of  ADHD were still there.  I found myself not understanding what was happening.  I did what I thought was right for my child, but then I second guessed my decisions.

This is what happened when I had him tested and considered for special education through the school district.  At first I thought it was just for speech.  Then we went to the appointment.  They evaluated his speech, and his behavior.  They qualified him for special education right away.  Usually they wait to give a decision, but the evaluator said she was confident he would benefit from services.   Okay, so he can get speech therapy then.   I was thinking he would just go in a couple of times a week, meet with a speech therapist and we would go our merry way until he started kindergarten next year.

Oh no.   It was not to be that simple.  He would have to attend the district preschool and we would have to develop an IEP (Individual Education Plan).  Ummm, okay, but we already enrolled him in a private preschool that seems to fit his needs better than anything else we have found.  He was starting to thrive in that preschool.  To take him out now was very upsetting to me.  One of the biggest things I have read about ADHD is that change is difficult.  I did not want to deal with the increased tantrums and misbehavior because of something I felt I could control.

At that point I did not want to create the IEP.  I wanted to just keep going with the things we had set up already.   Were we doing the right thing for my child?  After much prayer and consideration, John and I decided that we would put him in the district preschool, but we would only do two days instead of the four they recommended.  I know it was frustrating to the special education administrators, but I just did not feel the district preschool was the right answer for my child.

So here I sit, still wondering if this is the right solution, the right avenue we should be pursuing.  There are still so many questions that I don't quite know how to ask.  How do I adequately present my feelings to somebody who is so clinical and scientific?  A lot of times I feel like I'm just complaining and it really isn't that bad.

I wonder if it was the right thing to take him in to the psychologist and to answer the questionnaire the way I did.   Were my answers just the result of being overly frustrated with an active child? I don't really know.  But at this point, I have to learn to accept what is happening and roll with the punches, so to speak.