ADHD and my child

Nothing has ever made me want to be a recluse more than having a child with ADHD.   I hate that feeling that every eye is turned on me.  At times it is embarrassing that others have to see the meltdowns over which shopping cart to get, or having the wrong color crayon at the restaurant because he dropped the blue one and only the orange one is available.  Most times these meltdowns include full on screaming, crying, kicking, and flailing around.  Yep, embarrassing.

Somehow this word just does not fully encompass the feelings when I become the subject of others demeaning stares.   I loathe being the subject of negative attention.   Sometimes I find myself so frustrated that I just want to give up.  Unfortunately for me I cannot completely avoid going out in public with my child.  I have things that need to get done, and after 7 p.m. just is not feasible all the time.    

The problem is I wasn't ready.   When the psychologist started mentioning ADHD I first thought this could not be my child, that she had it wrong.  But a lot of the signs are there.  I can't ignore what I see on a daily basis.  We agreed to try behavior modification therapy because, frankly, the idea of medicating my child at such a young age is very frightening to me.   Plus there is still a part of me that wants to believe he will grow out of some of this.  It has to be his age, right?  But I am still very conflicted about this issue.  But, in saying this, I don't need people to tell me I've made the wrong decision.  I'm already doing enough of that myself.  

Behavior modification is a lot of work and it requires a change in how my family functions.  We need to have more structure at home, and provide more activities for this child as his attention span is very, very low.   I struggle with this.  I have to be more vigilant and consistent with everything; mealtime, bedtime, wake up time, etc.  This also requires everybody in the family to be on the same page and willing to help out with this.  

Behavior modification also requires a lot more attention given to one child, making the other children feel as if they are being neglected.  If my attention is diverted elsewhere such as to help the girls with homework, disaster awaits.  Many times we have found a runaway child.  I think my neighbors get tired of helping me look for my child yet there are those few that are always looking out for my children and drop everything else to help me look for my child.  I am grateful for those neighbors.

In addition to behavior modification, the psychologist said he would need speech therapy.  She said it was common in children with ADHD.  Their minds are going so fast that they can't stop long enough to grasp the full intricacies of language.  I had known that the school district provides speech therapy but frankly, I was a little hesitant to go that route.  I had heard stories of parents trying to get their children into speech therapy only to be denied time and time again.  I did not feel my son's speech was that bad.   Wasn't his delay just due to age?  

During this whole process I had also been reading multiple things about ADHD and how to help a child with ADHD.   I looked online, borrowed books from the library, talked with others who have children with ADHD.   I still could not accept the fact that we had a correct diagnosis.  But the indicators of  ADHD were still there.  I found myself not understanding what was happening.  I did what I thought was right for my child, but then I second guessed my decisions.

This is what happened when I had him tested and considered for special education through the school district.  At first I thought it was just for speech.  Then we went to the appointment.  They evaluated his speech, and his behavior.  They qualified him for special education right away.  Usually they wait to give a decision, but the evaluator said she was confident he would benefit from services.   Okay, so he can get speech therapy then.   I was thinking he would just go in a couple of times a week, meet with a speech therapist and we would go our merry way until he started kindergarten next year.

Oh no.   It was not to be that simple.  He would have to attend the district preschool and we would have to develop an IEP (Individual Education Plan).  Ummm, okay, but we already enrolled him in a private preschool that seems to fit his needs better than anything else we have found.  He was starting to thrive in that preschool.  To take him out now was very upsetting to me.  One of the biggest things I have read about ADHD is that change is difficult.  I did not want to deal with the increased tantrums and misbehavior because of something I felt I could control.

At that point I did not want to create the IEP.  I wanted to just keep going with the things we had set up already.   Were we doing the right thing for my child?  After much prayer and consideration, John and I decided that we would put him in the district preschool, but we would only do two days instead of the four they recommended.  I know it was frustrating to the special education administrators, but I just did not feel the district preschool was the right answer for my child.

So here I sit, still wondering if this is the right solution, the right avenue we should be pursuing.  There are still so many questions that I don't quite know how to ask.  How do I adequately present my feelings to somebody who is so clinical and scientific?  A lot of times I feel like I'm just complaining and it really isn't that bad.

I wonder if it was the right thing to take him in to the psychologist and to answer the questionnaire the way I did.   Were my answers just the result of being overly frustrated with an active child? I don't really know.  But at this point, I have to learn to accept what is happening and roll with the punches, so to speak.