Eye exams

Earlier this month the PTA did vision screening at my daughter's school where she had difficulty seeing the line appropriate for her age. A couple of days later we received a letter confirming the results of the school screening. We knew we needed to get an appointment but I deliberately put it off. I put it off for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't want to really know or admit my daughter might need glasses. After all, I remember how horrible it was to get glasses at a young age. Second I wanted some more time to observe her closer. My observations began. I noticed how she leaned closer to the hymnbook at church. I noticed how she would lean her head closer to the book if I was reading to the kids, sometimes getting her head in the way because she couldn't see to follow along. I also realized that she was having difficulty making out the written notes in her piano books. She would go to piano lessons and guess the notes. She has almost perfected the skill of memorizing her songs so she can pass them off at piano. Then she doesn't have to tell her teacher that she can't really see the notes! I realized she was playing from memory one day when I watched her play her song and the book was nowhere in sight. But at lessons she was using the book and all of a sudden didn't know what the notes were. She was having more difficulty passing off her lessons. I also watched her squinting more. I had just attributed the squinting to being tired, or being ultra sensitive to the light. Now I know better. I should have connected the dots earlier. Nonetheless, I took her to an eye appointment today. The exam was hard on her. It is a hard thing to have your eyes dilated and I cannot imagine the fear she had when her eyes started feeling all funky. I don't remember my first eye exam as a young child so I don't remember how terrifying the exam can be. The doctor was incredibly patient and very competent in pediatric care. The doctor then told me she has astigmatism in both eyes and is slightly near sighted. So I guess the verdict is, she needs glasses. Doc says she doesn't need glasses to read, but I'm a little worried about how to keep her glasses intact if she does take them off at any time during school. I worry about the adjustment period, recess, and most importantly, the social implications. Wearing glasses was hard on me as a child. Children can be ruthless to each other, especially when a person is different. We did pick out some cute glasses for her and she got the final say so we'll see how quickly she adapts to the change. I think she will adapt far better than I ever will. But I am grateful we are able to do something to fix her problem before it gets worse. I am grateful she is excited about wearing glasses so I don't have to fight her to wear them the first time. Her glasses will be ready by Friday. The jury remains undecided until next week at least!

Mysterious tummy aches

Amber has been complaining about tummy aches since school started back in August, so for about three months now. I never really put much stock into it because she only complained when she didn't want to do something. Here's what would happen: Bedtime- "Mom my tummy hurts!" Wake up, get dressed- "My tummy hurts!" Time to do the dishes- "My tummy hurts" Friends are at the door - "bye mom, see you later!" - miraculous healing, no complaints of tummy aches. Dinner time- "My tummy hurts" - but if she liked what I fixed she would eat 2 helpings. Pick up your room- "My tummy hurts" Let's watch a movie -"Can we have popcorn?" Home from school - "Mom, I'm hungry, can I have some candy?" Do you see the pattern too? This is just a small sampling of the situations that have come up at home. It seems that she is using a tummy ache as an excuse to get out of the things she does not want to do. So I've kindof brushed it aside, but worried about it in the back of my mind. It never seemed serious enough to have the doctor look at it though. So the other day I went to her SEP conference with her teacher. It is pretty much parent/teacher conference but it is the Student Education Plan and the student has to be involved in the conference. As it turns out she's been telling her teacher that her tummy hurts on a daily basis. So he said he is worried about her. I told him what happens at home, that every time she doesn't want to do something her tummy hurts, but when her friends come by she is miraculously healed. He looked at me with that look. You know, the one that says you're stupid and you need to do something about this. This is a look that can be dangerous. It is a look laced with accusations. So to appease the concerns of her teacher, I took her to see the pediatrician. I went into the appointment knowing we would leave without any real answers. We just need to keep a log of what she eats for two weeks, what time of the day she hurts, etc. I am not excited about this, but we'll see what good it does. We need to increase her fiber during this time too, so bring on the gummy fiber chews (I need to find them). Now that I think about it, this might be the root cause, not enough fiber. During the summer we ate a lot of high fiber food. We had high fiber bread. She didn't complain about her tummy hurting. But right about the time the girls started school I stopped buying the high fiber bread. It was more difficult to get to the store that sells the bread we like for a decent price. So we continued with whole wheat, but it just wasn't the same. So I guess we will see what happens with her in the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping we can solve this problem without too much trauma.

Time with grandma

Now that gardening season is just about over for us, I am finding myself a little sad. I am sad because I have enjoyed the weekly trip to Grandma's house to see what was growing. It was such a thrill to go out to the garden and see something actually growing. I had my doubts when I first weeded the garden back in July. I did not think many of those plants would survive. Then the tomatoes were a long time in coming. It wasn't until late August that the tomato plants were just starting to get a few tomatoes. Late September the tomato plants were laden with green tomatoes, but we realized that not many would get ripe. We did get quite a bit of tomatoes, and as long as the plants don't freeze we still have hope for more ripe tomatoes. But I do have a recipe for green tomato relish that I'm dying to try. The cucumbers, chard, and beets have been bountiful in the garden this year. Every week I was taking at least 10 cucumbers home. Now I just need to find all the little ones that are left and finish making pickles! Yummm. The vegetables have been wonderful but I am also sad about the end of the garden because I have enjoyed the visits with grandma. Every week I have been able to sit and talk with grandma. I've learned so many things that I can't believe it has taken me so long to figure out. Grandma has been so patient with my children, especially Timothy. He gets into everything, even at grandma's house. But she never raised her voice and never said that Timothy could never come back. She took it all in stride and at times when I was embarrassed because he was into everything, I found grandma laughing. I could learn a thing or two from grandma. I have heard stories about my grandma that I hadn't known before. She told me the story of how she ended up with a slew of earwigs in her washbasin while she was doing laundry. I also heard how she was called to teach the Beehives and she didn't want to. She did not want to teach teenagers. I also heard about the garden her mom had when grandma was little. I also heard about grandma dating grandpa when grandma lived with her aunt. So many stories that I would never have known had I not had the opportunity to spend some time with grandma. Now the challenge will be to continue to find the time to sit and talk with grandma. She amazes me. Despite all the challenges she has faced, she is one of the most optimistic women I know. Faced with a broken hip I'm not sure I would be so optimistic. After all, I've already been pretty pessimistic about the challenges I'm facing right now. I really would do well if I could learn from my grandma's example and face my challenges with optimism. I will always be grateful for the opportunity I have had to take care of grandma's garden. I didn't really think I would enjoy it, but I knew it was something I could do to help. But I have certainly found myself enjoying the garden, even the weeding part. I had time alone and time with grandma. And with the garden came all the added benefits that have blessed my life in more ways than I can count right now.

Grandma's Garden

Grandma has always had a garden for as long as I can remember. I remember spending the night with grandma and helping her in the garden. I have a picture of me in the garden with her. But this year is hard for grandma. You see, grandma fell while planting her garden. She was doing what she loves. But what she loves had to be put on hold because she broke her hip when she fell and had a partial replacement. Not able to work in the garden bothers my grandma. But, this gives me the opportunity to once again help her take care of the garden. This summer and fall I will tend her garden so all her hard work does not go to waste. This is just a small thing I can do to help my grandma. And maybe my girls will learn to help too! If nothing else comes of it, my kids will have the opportunity to get to know my grandma better. There is nothing better than seeing the light in her face when she gets to visit with us. While it is awful that she has to endure the trials of a broken hip, we're finding good in the situation too.

Living with the effects of PTSD!

In my last post I mentioned going to fireworks. So I wanted to do a separate post with some thoughts about that experience.

On Saturday night I decided I wanted John to go with me to the concert and fireworks. I was tired of going by myself. I asked him to go knowing full well how awful fireworks are for him. I asked him knowing that he might get a little crazy. I guess you can say I was being selfish. I was tired of giving up the things I want to do just because my husband cannot handle doing these things with me. So I convinced him it wouldn't be so bad and that he should try putting ear plugs in and then the sound wouldn't bother him so much. Ha, I think we both knew better. But he gave in because he knew I wanted him to go with me. He was willing to sacrifice his sanity for my happiness.

So we traipsed off to the concert, stayed for the fireworks, and came home. By the time we got home John was shaking uncontrollably. He could not keep his hands still. On the way home he was really quiet. I tried to talk to him and he wouldn't respond. He was afraid of coming unglued and he says that wasn't fair to me. So he just stayed quiet.

At that point I felt horrible. I was a horrible wife for even asking him to go with me. I was horrible for being so selfish. I need to be more like my husband. He was willing to sacrifice his sanity for me. But I wasn't willing to sacrifice my own wants once again for him. I have been dealing with this for many years. You would think I would be used to it and would be able to push my own desires back. But for some reason I was unable to be selfless. I could only think of what I wanted.

After the fact I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to go back to the point where I decided I wasn't letting him off the hook once again. I wanted to go back and change what I wanted. But I couldn't change it. We could only try to get past it. We could only do things to mitigate, not prevent, the damage. So when it was time for fireworks again on Monday night, I tagged along with my friend and her family. It turns out her husband doesn't like fireworks. So it was good. John stayed home, did what he could to drown out the booming of the fireworks that were being set off only about two blocks away.

This experience raises a lot of questions for me though. The biggest question, are you ready? Fireworks are supposed to be patriotic. Most fireworks shows I attend are choreographed to patriotic music. You know, songs like "God Bless the USA," "America the Beautiful," and "Coming to America." But why do we do this? Why do we use something to demonstrate our patriotic spirit when the people who have protected our freedoms here cannot enjoy the celebration? Why do we do this to our military men and women? Is there a better way to celebrate, to demonstrate our patriotic spirit? I don't know. As I've said before, I love fireworks. I don't know why I love them. I am amazed at the beauty the fireworks create. But at what cost do we use fireworks to celebrate?

We've been keeping busy

This month has been pretty busy and has been full of meltdowns, hard lessons, and of course, lots of laughs.

The first friday in June was the last day of school. We attended my daughter's kindergarten graduation program. And of course, she was so excited to sing, but when it came right down to it, she got whiny and did not want to participate at all! Grrr . . .

Now that school is out, we've had the challenge of keeping the kiddos busy. We have been to the zoo, the park, fireworks, a parade and more.

This past weekend was Taylorsville Dayzz. I have always enjoyed Taylorsville Dayzz. There are concerts, fireworks, a carnival, and a parade. I'm not much into the carnival. I think it is way too overpriced. At $3-$4 per ride, I always think I could use that money in a better place. But I do love parades and I love fireworks. This year, my daughter's soccer league was participating in the parade. That meant that three of us walked in the parade, passed out candy, and fliers. It was kind of fun. We have some good people on the board of directors. (Oh yeah, I'm one of those good people!) I love soccer, I love that my kids have the opportunity to play.

This year they had fireworks for three nights. And yes, I went all three nights. I love, love, love fireworks. There is just something about being at the park, and enjoying the whole ambience of the whole show. It is seeing all the people, listening to the music, and even dealing with the bugs.

We have also been busy with piano lessons. The girls are picking up on the piano quite nicely. I am so grateful for the two ladies who are teaching my girls. They are so patient and work with them very well. I love seeing my girls start to understand the concepts. I think piano was a good choice for them.

Last week we were able to celebrate with my friend, Desiree, her husband, and her family. Her husband graduated with his Master's degree. Wow. He's worked hard. What an amazing accomplishment. We went to Bouncin' off the Walls in Sandy. It was fun, but I'm not sure I will go there again. The equipment was in serious disrepair. I did not have sufficient upper body strength to get up on top of one of the slides. The foot holds were all ripped out. But we wore out the kids. We came home and they fell asleep almost immediately.

We have also been going to a movie once a week. The theater close to me does a summer movie club. For $5 a person, we get 10 weeks of movies. The movies are all old movies that are already released on DVD, but it is fun to take the kids to the theater and not feel bad about missing a good portion of the movie for potty breaks and a cranky baby! So far we have seen movies such as How to train a dragon, Despicable Me, and Megamind. It has been quite enjoyable.

Despite the fun activities, the kids have not been immune to meltdowns. Amber is concerned about the fairness of everything and she has a fairness radar. Her meltdowns concern the fairness of everything. She is learning some hard lessons. Some of the hardest lessons she is learning are about money management. She doesn't understand why I cannot buy what she wants all the time. She sees her friends getting things all the time. It is a hard thing for an 8 year old to learn. We have thrown their schedule so far off kilter this summer. I have let them stay up, sleep in, we have breakfast late. But hey, sometimes it just needs to be done. They need to be able to let their hair down, so to speak, and enjoy what life has to offer. I have decided that I do not want to micro manage their whole lives. They need to have some guidelines, but they are also learning to make their own choices. I give them options, they make choices, they reap the consequences- good or bad.

In a nutshell, this has been our summer so far. July will be just as busy. I'm looking forward to all the activities that we have planned.

Struggling

I'm struggling. As a mom I want the best for my children. But sometimes I have to sit back and just watch as my children don't want what I think is best for them. That is hard. I see so much potential. So, how hard do I fight for them? Am I fighting because it is something I want, or am I truly fighting for their well being? What if they don't want what I'm fighting for? Is that what turns it into a fight for me and not for them?