Looking back: Thoughts on Postpartum depression

Have you ever worn sunglasses inside?  That is what my whole world looked like.   I didn't realize how dark and bleak everything looked.  I felt I had lost control of my life.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  My migraines were the worst they have ever been.  I tried to do different things but soon gave up because I had no desire to do anything.  I had to withdraw from all of the cases I was working on.   If I couldn't take care of my basic needs, I couldn't take care of others.   It was such a devastating blow to me.  

I recently saw something to the effect that if we change our attitude then happiness will follow.   This is not always true.   I couldn't change how I felt.  I didn't even know how to change how I felt.  I tried, but it felt like such an insurmountable task.  I didn't know what was wrong.  One day one of my friends posted an article on Facebook about postpartum depression.  I read the article and recognized a lot of the same symptoms in myself.  I decided I needed help. But I was embarrassed. I didn't want to admit that 6 months later I was having difficulty.  In reality I had been feeling this all summer long.  I finally made it to the doctor in early September 2013.  She asked how I was doing.  I didn't say fine because I knew I wasn't fine, but I told her I was okay.  She looked at me and basically told me I was lying.  Looking at the questionnaire I had filled out she said, "Looking at this I can pretty much say you are not okay."  I cried.  She gave me a prescription for antidepressants.  

My world suddenly became brighter.  I finally saw how low I had gotten.  I felt great for a little while. There are still days I struggle.  I had to limit my activities.  I gave up PTA, work, and other activities.  I gave up learning how to knit.  I needed time to take care of myself and my family.   I needed time.   I did not know how hard this would be.   I was racked with guilt every time I thought about giving up on PTA.   I knew they had been relying on me to do things that never got done.  I also felt awful about giving up on my clients.   Well, I never gave up on them, I just was not able to help them at the time.  I also felt guilty every time I thought about my children and what I could not do for them.  My oldest was taking care of breakfast for the rest of the children.  She was trying to keep everything together.  I look at what she was doing and I feel guilty still.

Now a year later I still take anti depressants.  I don't need them every day.  I do recognize when I am sliding downward.   Those are the times I need to make sure I take the anti depressants to help me from sliding too far down.  It has been a year since starting medication.  I am not sure all of my children have recovered from that terrible time.  

Before experiencing depression, I did not understand it.  I thought like the quote I mentioned earlier that a mere change in attitude and perspective would help a person be happy.  I thought depression was something that could be fixed by a positive attitude.  I did not know how debilitating it could be.  I did not know it would be so hard to get out of bed, or even just to sit up.  I did not know how little energy was available, and that it would take all the available energy for the day just to get out of bed to use the bathroom.   I did not realize how hard it would be to shower, to get dressed, to eat, etc.  All of this takes energy that I found myself lacking.  I had not realized there was a difference between depression and extreme sadness.  I did not know that depression can change a person's vision, making a person unable to see the light.  
I also thought postpartum depression was where you want to harm your child.  I never wanted to harm my baby, or my other children.   Postpartum depression isn't always about wanting to harm yourself or your child.  It is about the inability to function at peak capacity, an inability to take care of yourself and others.  I am so grateful for the inspiration my friend had to post an article about postpartum depression when she did.   I know that when I was at my lowest, the Lord was there to help take care of things I couldn't do myself.  There were people who offered help, fed my family, and cleaned my house.  Postpartum depression can be a very lonely disease, even when there are people who offer support.  I am so grateful I found the help I needed.  I still have hard days but it is not nearly as bad as the summer of 2013.  I will forever be grateful for those who have stood by me during my lowest times and did not give up on me.  

The most difficult thing

The most difficult thing for me is to see my child as he is, not as I wish he was.   You see, before I started having children I had dreams and visions of what my children would be like.  My children would be respectful, smart, well behaved, musical, etc., etc., etc.   My oldest child seemed to be everything I dreamed of.  She is well behaved, musical, smart, etc., etc., etc.   She learned quickly to obey the rules.  I did not, and still do not, have much trouble with her.  She is responsible and trustworthy.  
But then I got to my third child, my first boy.   Everybody told me boys were different, they were more rambunctious, they had more energy.   So I was prepared for high energy.  I knew things would be different at my house.  But still I had dreams and aspirations for my child.  I still dreamed of a boy who learned to be respectful, follow the rules, and channel his energy into something productive.   Those dreams seemed to shatter as time went on.  As he got older the energy did not slow down.   The lessons on respect were not sinking in.   He was very impulsive and did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.  I had bottles of syrup, bags of flour, boxes of baking soda and baking powder dumped all over my floor.  My carpets were colored with food coloring.  
It has been just over 2 years since the original diagnosis, and just under 2 years with medication.   I still struggle.  There are things I know will not change.  So at this point the most difficult thing is to love him as he is instead of as I hope him to be.   I know I am far from perfect in this.   I have to work on this minute to minute.  When he doesn't respond the way I want him to I need to remind myself the most important thing is love.

DIY Laundry Soap

My friend, Cynthia came to visit awhile ago and she brought with her a recipe for laundry soap.  Even though I had seen multiple posts floating around Facebook about DIY laundry soap I never truly considered it before.  I had seen multiple recipes and some even for liquid laundry soap.   When Cynthia asked me if I wanted to do this, I was a little skeptical.

Despite my skepticism I was up for the challenge.  I was ready for  the long list of ingredients we would need and the difficult instructions for putting it all together.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out that this DIY laundry soap only needed four ingredients.   Plus, it sounded simple to put together.  

So we sent John to the store to gather the ingredients for us.   When John brought the ingredients home, I quickly realized the container I was planning to use was not going to be sufficient.  So I found an empty food storage bucket.    This actually worked very well.  

Here is the recipe we used.

1 box cleaning baking soda
1 box borax
1 small container oxi clean
2 bars fels naptha soap

I cannot for the life of me remember the size of the boxes.  I know what each one looks like and I know where to find it.   The hardest part of making this laundry soap was grating the fels naptha soap.  I just used my cheese grater.  After all, it is just soap and with a little water, and a run through the dishwasher my cheese grater was very clean.

It was very simple to put this all together. We emptied all contents from each of the boxes into the bucket.   We grated the fels naptha and added that to the bucket.  Then we picked up the bucket and shook it.   We shook the bucket until all ingredients were well  mixed.  It was so easy.   It only took about 5 minutes max from start to finish, not including time to get the ingredients.  

I have to say I was still a little skeptical about this soap.  But I tried it.   My white clothes came out brighter.   I didn't have any allergic reactions.   I have a large family which means we do a lot of laundry.  This concoction lasted far longer than any store bought laundry soap thus making it a cheaper option than store bought laundry soap.

Yes, I am that parent . . .

I am that mother who . . .

-- turns a blind eye to poor behavior from my children.  (It is a pick your battle thing.  What am I willing to fight over each day?)
-- laughs quietly sometimes when my children misbehave, and then scolds.  (especially when my car gets painted yellow, and my child walks through the paint leaving footprints all over my driveway)
-- waits for a child to return before rushing out the door after him.
-- allows a child to learn the hard lessons in life on his/her own.
-- allows my child to fall asleep wherever they desire, even if it is the closet.  (Yes, I have children that have chosen to sleep in the closet rather than their bed.)
-- allows my child to run around in underwear instead of fighting him to get dressed.
-- allows another child to go places with unruly, unbrushed hair.
-- chooses to stay home rather than let my children terrorize another home.
-- gives my children everything they could want, even if it means picking up the 18 month old when he cries, hugging and kissing the 11 yo, or just spending time with the children.  (My children need to know I am here for them, and they get that reassurance often.)
-- allows my children watch TV so I can get a few moments to myself to regroup.  (PBS and Netflix are great things in my home)
-- makes my children finish their chores before going out to play (though chores are minimal each day and tailored to each child's ability)
-- allows my children to walk down the street on their own.  
-- allows my children to bake cookies on their own.  (Messes ensue, but I survive the mess somehow)
-- allows my children to develop new talents on their own schedule.  (I cannot force them, as much as I want to.  They need to decide when and how they will learn)
-- enjoys the quiet hours with the moon after the children are all in bed and asleep.

What ADHD means at my house

What ADHD means at my house is not necessarily what it means at another house.  I wholly believe each child is different and all family dynamics are different.    

So here is what ADHD means at my house.

When I clean it is in vain.  It will be undone in 2 seconds flat.
I have two 4yo boys, or so it seems.  The 4yo and 6yo act almost exactly alike.
Things take longer to get done at my house.   My 6yo doesn't seem to want to help and my 9yo gets distracted way too easily by other things.
Organization is not possible in the common areas of my home.
We still have fun.
We still get things done.  (Just not in the time frame others think it should be done.)
We have a different way of dealing with our children than others expect.   This includes turning a blind eye to some behaviors and focusing on others.
Just because my house is an utter disaster right now doesn't mean it is always like this.  We do have a few days (few and far between) where the house is actually clean and presentable.

Now that I have described what ADHD means at my house, I am going to share some pictures to better help explain ADHD at my house.

1.  ADHD at my house means my kitchen table looks like this more often than not.   I leave the room and things get spilled, dumped, and thrown around.   Don't even ask about the kitchen floor.   It is awful.  

 2.  ADHD at my house means that when I pick up movies and put them away it is a mecca for pulling things out and scattering them all over the floor.   Organization is not possible in the common areas of my house.   I try.   But it ends up like this in 2 seconds flat as soon as it is all put away.

 3.   ADHD at my house means books are put on the bookshelf, but the books that don't fit are stuck in a huge pile at the bottom of the bookshelf.  Of course, they don't fit if there is already one or two books on the bookshelf.  

Don't judge me or my children by the state of our house.   I try to keep up, I really do.  Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I need to pick up because my children won't.  Just because the house is a  mess does not mean my children don't help.    Try living with children with ADHD before you judge the state of my house.  

So, ADHD at my house also means it takes longer for  my children to learn the necessary life skills they will need such as cleaning up after themselves.   It is a work in progress.  But we still have a long way to go.

But ADHD at my house also means there is a lot of energy in my home.   There is no lack of laughter, fighting, and noise.   We have fun.   My children act like normal siblings, they get along one moment and are fighting the next.    ADHD at my house means we will never have a spotless home.   But it also means there is no end to the love that we share.  

I will continue to teach my children acceptable behavior.  It will take them longer than you expect for them to catch on.   Understand that ADHD at my house may not mean what you want it to mean.   Be patient with us as we learn with our children what it means to live with ADHD.    We don't have all the answers.   Most of it is trial and error.   Once I feel I have a handle on it, everything changes again.  

Now, be patient with my children because they don't do what you expect children should do.  My children are still children and do not think like an adult.   This is a hard concept for me.   I struggle daily.   But I have more patience than I did six months ago with my children.   Work with my children, don't judge them.   Be kind to my children instead of being angry when they don't meet your expectations.

I used to think I would be able to teach my children, they would understand, and they would follow what they were taught.  Then I was blessed with two children with ADHD and my whole life and perspective changed.

ADHD, depression, and more

Just a little under a year ago I was diagnosed with severe Postpartum depression.  I laughed it off at first.  I said, this is my fifth child, this is silly.  I can't have postpartum depression.   But all the signs were there.  I had difficulty sleeping, I felt my world was very dark.  Then my midwife put me on an antidepressant.   My world suddenly brightened.  I wondered why it had taken so long to get help.   

Now, almost a year later I am better able to assess what is and has been happening.   I realize now that this depression had started long before I was even pregnant this last time.   There was so much going on and I was so overwhelmed.  I did not know how to take care of new kinks in life and I could not see the bright side of things.  I could only see the doom.  I wanted to cry a lot.   Worst of all was I felt alone.   I didn't feel people wanted to hear about my struggles, so I silently went about life, trying to keep my head above water.  

You see, my son was diagnosed with ADHD and my world turned upside down.  Soon after his diagnosis we were learning a whole new way, a whole new structure to life.   Suddenly my life went from unscheduled, fly by the seat of my pants to schedule, schedule, schedule.   I was learning a whole new way of asking my son to do things.  The things I thought I knew about teaching children to be positive influences in society were suddenly ineffective.

Okay, so these ideas had already become ineffective in my life, I just wasn't ready to admit it.  I wanted so much to be able to keep everything in the mold I had created.  I had an idea of how life should and would be for my family.   Dealing with ADHD was not in the cards.   This time is when my world started going dark.   I was having difficultly implementing the behavior modification the psychologist was teaching us about.   I was having difficulty with guilt about something I felt I should have done differently.    I felt extreme guilt over how I had previously reacted to my son's various antics.   Then I went through a period of guilt over our decision to try medication.    

In the middle of all of this, I found out I was pregnant with my fifth child.   I was so overwhelmed with life that I could not be excited about this child.  I went through the motions, going to all of my appointments.   Late in my pregnancy I was hospitalized for the flu and I found myself unable to shake the depression that was really settling in.   I felt God had abandoned me at that point.  I was convinced that this illness and hospital stay was some form of punishment for something but I didn't know for what.   

My due date was March 16th.  I really expected early labor because my four prior children had all come early.   I had a lot of false labor this time.   The braxton hicks contractions were so strong and close together.  March 16th came and I knew my baby would not be coming that day.  I was so frustrated.    When contractions started later that night I waited a long time before acknowledging this was the real thing.   So we had our son on the 17th in the wee hours of the morning.   After he came I felt great for quite some time.   I went to my six week check up with the midwife and I felt on top of the world.   

Shortly after that appointment I knew things were not right but I refused to admit I was having difficulty.  Friends would visit with me and I would smile and say everything was alright.   I had wanted to do fun things that summer but I lost all motivation.  I lost my zeal for life.   School was back in session before I knew it.   My son with ADHD was now in Kindergarten, I was supposed to be helping with PTA, and I was struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.   My oldest daughter was trying to help but that was a lot to ask of her.  I felt extreme guilt for the way I felt.   At some point during all of this I had seen something about postpartum depression and I looked at the general information with signs and symptoms.   Then I made an appointment with my midwife. 

Anti depressants soon became my friend and my world ceased to be dark.  I started to see the good around me. I started to be able to more fully participate in my children's lives.   I gave up PTA responsibilities, I gave up helping in my children's classrooms.   I gave up work that I wanted so I could concentrate on me and my family.   Then I asked for help.   My step mom stepped up and started taking my children two afternoons a week as the doctor ordered.   During this kid free time I was free to do whatever I wanted to do.   This kid free time was not clean the house time.  It was time for me to rejuvenate and breathe.   

Now that life seems more stable, I have come to a few realizations.   

1.  I have been focusing on my son's behavior more than my own.  I need to figure myself out before I can fully help him.  I need to be his anchor,  his example.  I can't be that if my behavior at times is unacceptable.

2.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.   Despite the darkness I faced, I have been greatly blessed. I cannot fully comprehend the many ways I have been blessed through these many trials, but I do know the Lord has sustained me through it all and continues to guide me through the difficult times.

3.  I can do hard things but sometimes I need help.  There are people willing to help, I need to let them help.   I do not need to walk alone through the muck.

So, really, there isn't much to this story I haven't previously shared, except that I know I have been blessed.  I see things in a different perspective now.  I am not grateful for depression itself, nor for ADHD in a child, but I am grateful for what I have learned.   

POstpartum depression?

I really thought I was doing okay.   After six weeks I was feeling good.  Yes, I was exhausted but I chalked that up to a baby that wasn't sleeping very well, hence no sleep for me.   I felt I was doing better than I had for quite some time and better than I had after most of my babies.   I wasn't worried about how I felt.  At 6 weeks postpartum I really did feel great.

Now, nearly 6 months later my baby sleeps through the night and I should be feeling better as I get more sleep.   What, there is a better?  Oh, this thing called postpartum depression can affect a person even after five kids? Shouldn't I be able to handle this better by now?  

I don't have a problem bonding with my baby or with wanting to hurt myself or the baby.   But I do have fears that something will happen to the baby or one of the other children.   Just today my kids were playing in the front yard.  I thought "I need to get them inside.  Otherwise they will get under the neighbors cars and get squished when the neighbors don't know the kids are under there."   Pretty rational, right?   

Or there are the nights I sit in bed worrying that the baby is suffocating in the blanket he was tightly swaddled in. Really?   I'm losing sleep over this a lot.   

So as I started looking into it more I am reminded there is much more than just thoughts of hurting myself or the baby..   But even now I don't feel as if all the symptoms fully describe me, but I found that many do.  Warning: if you don't want to know details, stop reading here. 

Here's me after six months in relation to Postpartum Depression.

Loss of appetite-  Yes and no.   I have an appetite, just for the wrong kind of foods.   Honestly I could live off fast food at this moment because I don't have to cook  it, I don't have to plan it, and I don't have to think much about it.  Some days I cook dinner knowing the kids need to eat.   Yet I sit and look at it and I am disgusted with what I cook.   I don't know how my kids can eat something so gross.   Yet it something as simple as spaghetti or enchiladas.

Insomnia-  Most nights I am so exhausted yet I lay there wondering when I will get to a deep sleep.   I toss and turn for a good portion of the night.  I find my mind won't shut down. I have so many things keeping me awake.    Most nights I end up on the couch so as to not keep my husband up all night long.   I have taken to talking in my so called insomnia state.  I can't say talking in my sleep because I am well aware I am talking to myself.   Usually I will fall asleep around three or four in the morning only to be woken up at 5ish, either by the baby or by the alarm.

Intense irritability and anger- I feel very irritable.   The smallest things set me off.   I feel like I am an angry person lately.   It isn't that I want to be angry, I don't even really know why I'm angry.   I can be just fine one moment.  Then all of a sudden a switch is thrown in my head and I am so angry,    It is truly the simple things that can set me off.  Somebody didn't do the dishes, a toy was left out, somebody didn't turn off a light. There is no moderate anger here.   I feel so angry that I want to cry because I'm so angry.    I know, it really doesn't make sense to me either.

Overwhelming fatigue-  Yes, this is me to a T.   I am so tired all the time.  I can get a lot of sleep and still be dragging my feet the next day.  I do not have the energy I need.  I feel like I need to nap all the time.  I have a difficult time getting things done because I am so tired all the time.  

Loss of interest in sex-  I don't know if it is a loss of interest, but I am so incredibly exhausted I just can't think about it.    I am exhausted at night, exhausted in the morning, exhausted in the middle of the day.  I feel so exhausted that I don't have any more to give.   I am falling into bed at night not wanting to move.   Doesn't bode well for this aspect of life.  

Lack of joy in life-  Oh goodness, where do I start with this one?   It is difficult to find joy.  I feel so out of sorts all the time.  I also feel like I am the only one trying to keep my household running smoothly.   I have a difficult time keeping up with things.  My kids started school and I am unable to keep up with their homework, especially for my kindergartner.  

Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy- I constantly feel inadequate.    I have a difficult time keeping up with and taking care of the children.  Other people say things to me and I feel very awful all the time.  There was a dad who told me off in the library.  Ugh, way to help a mom who is struggling to keep it together already.  I feel extremely guilty that I can't take care of the simple things in life.   I can't keep my house clean.   I can't keep up with laundry.   I don't always keep up with the grocery shopping either.  

Severe mood swings-  Yes, yes, and yes.   I can be laughing one moment, yelling at everybody the next moment, and crying the next.    I do not feel in control of my feelings right now.     I have intense mood swings.   And these mood swings are triggered by the simplest things.

Difficulty bonding with your baby-  I have not had a problem bonding with my baby.    

Withdrawal from family and friends-  There are times when it is difficult to get out with people.   Just the thought of trying to be pleasant is too much.    And it is difficult for me to keep a handle on everything going on with five kids that I would much rather stay in my home.   I have gone out with people, but it feels like such a chore sometimes.  Some days I just want to curl up in bed and never get out.

Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby-   No, I do not have these thoughts.   I just have irrational fears that something is going to happen to one of the children.   I fear that my children aren't making it to school, but I feel powerless to check up on them.  I fear I will lose my children in the store.

Add to all this two children who have ADHD.   And add a husband who still struggles with PTSD.   Then you will know that most days I really struggle to keep everything together.    This is part of the reason I have gotten locked out of my house twice in the past week.   This is also the reason that my ten year old daughter was getting breakfast for everybody during the summer.   

So, maybe I need help.    I feel a little silly talking to someone,  my problems seem so silly and petty.   Please, I just ask that people be patient with me.  I recognize that I am struggling.  I do not need to be reminded at every turn.  i just need to know there are people who support me and will help me through this.  I hate feeling this way and I hate that I feel powerless to change things.